


Let's Play A Game

by VixxFixxion



Category: STARLIGHT - Fandom, VIXX
Genre: Canon, Consent, Fake Dating, M/M, NSFW, PWP, Smut, acting assignment, blowjob, emotional response to sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:55:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26221477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VixxFixxion/pseuds/VixxFixxion
Summary: Hakyeon and Sanghyuk are tasked with playing a game - and before Sanghyuk realises it, it turns into a game of chicken
Relationships: Cha Hakyeon / Han Sanghyuk, Cha Hakyeon | N/Han Sanghyuk | Hyuk, N/Hyuk, Vixx N / Vixx Hyuk, chasang - Relationship
Comments: 8
Kudos: 37





	Let's Play A Game

**Author's Note:**

> In case it isn't clear, this is set just before preparations for Chained Up
> 
> The word "scene" is always used to denote an actor's scene, and not, as it might be misconstrued, the kind of scene that would be acted out between protagonists in a BDSM relationship. There are of course, implications and innuendo that the word might carry in this context
> 
> There's something about ChaSang... I hope I captured it just right:)
> 
> I have twitter @vfixxion - although am not always on, I do interact when I am. Please leave comments, I love them

“Alright, for your homework, I want you to create a narrative with your partner. Agree on certain points. Who is who. What is happening. What is the conflict. Who are the actors. Who are the reactors. You don’t need an ending. The process is the most important. You must have an audience - an unwitting audience. See how much between the two of you, you can pass off your scenario as real. Make your observations, and we shall discuss what happened in next week’s class. Be chaotic or be orderly. Try not to get arrested - this is about seeing how far you can go within a normal, everyday social circumstance. See how much you can get away with, before you are discovered.”

The small group of workshop participants groaned, some of them flopping over onto the floor as the instructor held up her hands in a placatory gesture - her expression showing she obviously didn’t give a shit.

Sanghyuk’s heart sank. This was exactly the reason he didn’t want to do acting classes. He hated this sort of improvisation. It wasn’t for humour, it was for effect, really. It involved having to elicit a reaction from someone without their knowledge, and he felt uncomfortable about it. He rather thought it was anarchic and a little irresponsible - especially with some of the more irreverent participants in the class.

He looked away and caught Hakyeon glancing at him. Hakyeon did a double take which Hyuk supposed was from seeing how unhappy he was about the task they were given.

As they finished off and started getting up off the floor, stretching and chatting and collecting their gear to leave, a girl who had ended up sitting next to him by the end of the class turned to speak to him.

“You got a partner-?” she began.

“Yup, me,” Hakyeon said as he walked past, linking arms with Hyuk and sweeping him along as he strode out. Hyuk glanced over his shoulder and shrugged with a smile, the girl looking a little crossly at Hakyeon.

“What’s the matter, Hyoggie? You look like you drank vinegar or something.”

“Ah, Hyung, when you asked me to do this with you, I didn’t expect we would be doing social experiments and deep breathing out of our asses,” Hyuk half-whispered as they pushed through the heavy stage doors and walked out into the cold fresh air. It was night, and they were on a university campus in the backlot of the theatre there.

“Acting is about being open to all the complexities and levels and physicalities of the human experience-“

“Bullshit.”

Hakyeon tutted. as he peered into the darkness, turning on his heel suddenly to check the other side of the campus, fishing for his phone in his coat pocket.

“Well, what do you think it is, if not that?” Hakyeon asked, absent-mindedly scrolling through his messages. “I thought we arranged to meet Shinwoo Hyung here?”

“Hmm, maybe acting out a script? Being believable?” Hyuk said, sourly.

“Isn’t that exactly what our instructions are?” Hakyeon murmured, his eyes checking through a message thread quickly. “Ah, we said by the Hall, not the theatre. Come on!”

He turned on his heel and started walking briskly towards the Hall, where there was another parking lot their pick up would be waiting for them at. Hyuk caught up quickly, and they walked without talking for a while so that they could get there as quickly as possible.

Hyuk was peeved, because Hakyeon was right - their instructions were to create a narrative, and basically follow that script and be believable. He realised what he didn’t like was that it was open ended and that they were duping someone into believing something was real. While it was the very nature of theatre, most audiences were knowing participants.

However, he found that he couldn’t articulate that without sounding to himself like he wasn’t up to doing it. He felt like he was chickening out.

He guessed that maybe, he really was - and it was the element of improvisation and not knowing where something was going that put him off.

“I guess I don’t like improvising,” he said breathlessly as they strode up some brick steps.

“Don’t be silly, you’re a natural. You are always ready and up for it, especially on camera. But look, since we are partners, we can do this as soon as possible and get it over with. I am more than happy to just take the lead if you like. If we both agree on that, then it could be something interesting to observe for the class.”

“But then I would be like the audience, just getting steered along.”

“Except you would be aware of it in this case, unlike them. And you can steer back too - following the principles of improv and so on. No blocking, and all that. Within reason. See where my lead takes you, and whether you like what happens.”

Hyuk considered that. It would take the torture out of having to figure out and adhere to a story. He realised that he felt happy with the idea of not knowing where it would go - now - because he wasn’t fully aware of what Hakyeon intended to create. It appealed to him because he couldn’t chicken out of it if he didn’t know what was coming. He would just be reacting. It felt more natural. Less blameable.

_Hmmm. Chickening out._

“Is that very actorly of me, though?” he asked.

Hakyeon chuckled.

“Actors don’t always have to lead. Think of it as a status game. It could be about a character who never resists, let’s say. But I think we will find that naturally, you, Han Sanghyuk the person, the actor and the character you will be, will not necessarily just follow along the narrative I try to set. At least, I hope that you will allow your natural inclination to establish dominion. I mean, it is improvisation. So we will see what comes up.”

Hyuk thought about it for a few moments as they kept walking.

“We will report on it faithfully - that you agreed to my suggestion that I would create the scenario without your foreknowledge, to see how it works if one actor is only aware that improvisation is taking place, but not what the parameters of the improvisation are. To see your process of discovery. Plus, if we adhere to the basic rules, I am obligated to follow any leads you throw me too.”

Hakyeon tapped a quick message into his phone before continuing.

“I’m warning you though, I have done this before for other classes, and I don’t have any hangups about what happens in a scene. So, be prepared for what you might have to deal with.”

Hakyeon looked at Sanghyuk as they walked. Hyuk nodded, staring at him and now wondering if his previous contentment, with not having an agreed scenario before beginning, was truly what he wanted. Hakyeon’s statement seemed to be like a warning, but as he looked at Hakyeon, he saw that whatever it was, he wanted Hyuk to know that it was going to be a safe place for him.

“You mean like, you might start a fight or hit me or something?” Hyuk joked.

“I don’t know,” Hakyeon replied in all seriousness. Hyuk’s smile dwindled away. “I just know that what happens in the scene stays in the scene. We just have to agree on that. Even if during it, everything you feel, you “act”, is real and true. Even if we cry in earnest… when it is over, it is just a shared and truthful experience that has little bearing on us in real life, except that we should come away from it feeling like it was a good experience, no matter how hard it might have been.”

“Ahh, this is sounding scarier and scarier, Hyung,” Hyuk smiled, joking, but also feeling the truth of it.

“Well, we don’t have to do it that way. We can just do what we were told. I was just offering you a way to handle your burden.”

Hakyeon smiled, looking ahead and gesturing that they should go through a small brightly lit walkway towards a large lawn where, during the day, students liked to gather for some sun and food between classes.

“We should meet tomorrow and decide on whether we want to cause a scene, or maybe convince someone to do something, or perhaps make a confession or something…” Hakyeon’s words dwindled off as they came out of the walkway and were suddenly met with darkness as they padded softly across the spongy lawn under their feet.

Hyuk could feel his hackles rising thinking about the process they would have to go through to follow the instructions to the tee, and how he would have to keep it in his head during the whole event, that he was Han Sanghyuk, playing himself to his own colleagues and friends, but trying to follow an unwritten script at the same time.

Purely from his gut reaction, he knew that Hakyeon’s suggestion was much more appealing. And even though he knew that Hakyeon would challenge him, he knew he would be in a safe place.

“It’s okay, Hyung, I will go with your idea. You just tell me when you want to do it. Maybe we can meet with some people, I don’t know.”

“Okay. Thank you for putting your trust in me, Hyoggie. We don’t have to arrange a time with anyone else, we just have to be together, and you need to realise it is happening when it does, and be on your toes. There will be no warning.”

“Okay, Hyung.”

As soon as he said that, Hyuk felt much better. There was something to be said about putting responsibility into someone else’s willing hands.

He thought that perhaps he should feel like he was shrugging off his duties, or being lazy - but Hakyeon made sense when he said that it was still a valid experiment, since Hyuk’s involvement was as a coconspirator and active participant, even if he wasn’t fully aware of the narrative rules that Hakyeon would set without his participation.

For the first time since hearing their instructions, Hyuk’s abdominal muscles relaxed. He hadn’t realised he was so wound up about it. He felt ready to rest after a long day, and surprisingly, was looking forward to the how this was going to pan out.

Finally they came around a corner and saw the car waiting for them, it’s lights shining like fiery cat’s eyes at them.

“Aren’t you glad that I snatched you out of that girl’s clutches now?” Hakyeon joked, waving at the car as the driver flicked the lights at them. Hyuk paused, wondering if Hakyeon truly thought that he needed rescuing from the girl, someone who had often shyly tried to make small talk with him during breaks and after the classes. He realised that Hakyeon was speaking in the context of the assignment, and he agreed. If he had been paired with the girl, he would not have been given this opportunity, or worse, she might have expected him to lead throughout.

Hakyeon was right, he should be glad he wasn’t paired with the girl.

As they got to the car, they realised that Hongbin was sitting in the front with Shinwoo, who was driving.

“Hey, you guys wana go eat?” Hongbin drawled as Hyuk slid open the back door and got in, crossing to the far seat so that Hakyeon could get in behind him.

As Hakyeon got in, he slid the door shut with a curt huff and sat, stony-faced, in his seat.

Hyuk saw Hongbin glance up into the rear view mirror, and caught his smile fading when he saw the look on Hakyeon’s face. Because his view was only partial, he turned to look behind at him, catching Hyuk’s eye as he did.

Hyuk raised his eyebrows in inquiry as Hongbin looked further behind himself, at Hakyeon.

“Hyung?” Hongbin asked, his voice sounding more concerned than purely questioning.

Hakyeon didn’t answer.

The silence was deafening - obviously Hakyeon could hear Hongbin from that close.

“What’s up?” Shinwoo asked, turning to the back from the driver’s seat. “Did they make you guys do something they shouldn’t have?”

Hyuk looked at Hakyeon, wondering what was wrong, and if he expected him to answer instead - then realised that Hakyeon had already started.

The scene.

Hakyeon had started, and he hadn’t even said a word.

Hyuk marvelled at the choice he made to be non-verbal, with intense effect, too.

Hyuk could see how neatly Hakyeon’s decision to be silent created an opportunity for Hyuk to lead if he wanted to - by letting it be open what exactly could be going on with his silence. If Hyuk wanted to, he could steer this his way right now.

Hyuk was suddenly excited by the idea of Hakyeon making this very intense, but passive statement - being silent, and uncomfortably so.

Hyuk saw what it was about this whole exercise that made it so exciting, as a knowing participant. He could watch and get involved at the same time. He too, had power.

Hyuk had a choice here. He could play the conciliatory junior, answer Shinwoo’s question and pretend like he didn’t realise Hakyeon was in a mood. Or he could be the maknae who wouldn’t take his Hyung’s moods and be flippant or uncaring about it. Maybe angry about it.

Or he could one-up Hakyeon and be in a worse mood, effectively taking Hakyeon’s lead from him.

He realised, he wasn’t ready to do something like that - and even if he was, it could be a form of blocking. Plus, he was already just as confused as they were until he clicked what was happening.

Hyuk realised something else too.

He was buzzing with anticipation. He liked that he was the only one in the know. He liked that Hakyeon was intense, absolutely clearly pissed off and sulking. But tempered with that excitement was the dread of seeing Hakyeon in such a sour mood, both as his knowing co-conspirator, and also from the point of view of Hongbin and Shinwoo, who were experiencing the discomfort and anticipation of finding out what it was that was making Hakyeon like this.

It felt real, gutsy.

In a split second Hyuk made a decision.

“Uh, no, we ended on time, nothing weird happened,” he answered, bowing his head a little to try to catch Hakyeon’s eye, as if he was looking to Hakyeon simply for verification, seeming as unknowing of what had caused his mood as the others were.

He saw that his natural choice in this scenario was to be as much himself as possible.

He looked up and shrugged at Hongbin, whose initial cheeriness had faded into a quiet concern. Hongbin didn’t dwell on it, and turned to face the front.

“Well, if you guys feel like it, why don’t we go to the yakitori place. There’s shabu shabu too, if you prefer. We can get a room.”

Hakyeon gave a curt nod, suddenly turning to look out the window, putting his elbow onto the sill of it and biting on the very tip of this thumbnail. He shook his leg, but then made a visible attempt to stop himself from being antsy.

Hyuk was intrigued. Even though the others were no longer looking and wouldn’t see Hakyeon’s actions, Hakyeon was still going thru the motions. He was still in character, which meant that there would be no “breaking” to check in with each other.

He was deathly silent, and while very still, Hyuk could verily feel the agitation emanating from him, and was sure the others could too. He wasn’t on the verge of tears, so he wasn’t trying to portray hurt, or helplessness. No, it was something he had never quite seen in Hakyeon, even at his angriest or most despairing.

It was like seething, boiling, quiet rage.

Hyuk was amazed to see the intensity and truth in Hakyeon’s performance, and realised just how quickly a change in his demeanour turned the mood.

It was all or nothing - and Hyuk couldn’t understand why he never wanted to play in the first place.

They rode the rest of the way in silence, Hyuk remaining aware of all the decisions he was making, even just sitting in his seat behind the others.

When he checked his phone, he was Hyuk-Who-Didn’t-Know-Why-Hyung-Was-In-A-Mood-But-Didn’t-Care.

When he rummaged through his bag to find his earphones he was Not-Bothered-By-Hyung’s-Death-Silence-At-All.

He presumed he would be irritating to moody Hakyeon, just doing that.

He could feel himself becoming flippant, feeling irreverent and uncaring about Hakyeon’s obvious pique, and wondered at how easily he was falling into character, and how essentially the character was choosing itself, and yet based entirely on his own self.

He could see that time was boiling down to the essence, that every gesture he made could have some meaning that he mightn’t have ascribed to it if he were in this situation for real.

He could see himself examining details that he might not normally spend the time to do - and realised that as an actor he could give meaning to a gesture or an action that someone might pick up on.

He wondered, what if, now, he did something that could become meaningful later?

What if Hakyeon pointedly ignored it? Or if he took it up and ran with it? The former made him feel like whatever he did might not be enough. The latter made him a little wary. If Hakyeon was capable of remaining in character while he soured the mood of the group like this, what would he do to push the boundaries?

He took a peek at Hakyeon, and was stunned to find him surreptitiously wiping an angry tear from his eye. He let himself gape as he observed Hakyeon swallowing quietly, trying to tamp down the emotions that were causing the hot tears to spill.

Whilst Hyuk was not averse to affecting the mood of the group in order to point out inconsistencies or weak points in someone’s arguments, he did so from certainty, not from a desire to imbalance, or affect the status quo.

That Hakyeon was steadfastly darkening the mood, and was so committed to the integrity of his performance, for want of a better word, was something a little eye-opening for Hyuk.

He began to wonder if Hakyeon was more chaotic, anarchic, or destructive than he might have pegged him for. If Hakyeon’s wells of feeling ran so much deeper than he could have have fathomed, or if he felt nothing under all the tears.

If perhaps, Hyung might actually enjoy psychologically playing with people’s experience this way.

He certainly didn’t present himself that way, not even to the others, or in private ors off stage. Hakyeon always sought to leave a situation better than when he found it. He was always very earnest in his dealings with others, even to the point of telling them he was trying to machinate some outcome and that they would do well to just listen to him. In that way, he was transparent, and it helped everyone understand where he was coming from. He was very self-help that way, Hyuk mused.

Hyuk realised that dinner was going to be very interesting, and he knew, quite intense. He thought perhaps, that he should try steering the mood of it by suggesting ahead of time what the subject actually was. He was rather hoping that Hakyeon would attack him for some reason or other - and also dreading the same, since Hakyeon’s mood promised to be fearsome.

He decided that, whilst most people would try to press Hakyeon for details, that Hakyeon was not projecting the kind of attention-seeking moodiness that called for that. No, his was a real vibe of being too unapproachable in his demeanour - and Hyuk wanted to exacerbate it by not falling into the category of people who would be concerned. He wanted to make it a point that he was not bothered.

So he tilted his seat back and settled for a nap.

**

Hakyeon caught Hyuk’s look of despair in the workshop and had to look twice to confirm it. Hyuk, growing more and more assured within the group dynamic, Hyuk who had just recently finished another growth spurt after they came back from a short rest at home, Hyuk who could barely look at his Hyungs without internally rolling his eyes - that Hyuk?

When they had had their brainstorming session regarding their upcoming single, and when Wonsik had suggested his astonishingly well-thought out concept for their new music video, involving collars, shirtless suits and elements of BDSM, Hakyeon had thought that everyone was on board with the maturing image of the group, even their youngest, Hyuk.

However, it was the staff who had come to Hakyeon and suggested he take the acting workshop with Hyuk. Having gone through a few others like it, Hakyeon had initially deferred, until they admitted that actually they wanted him to get Hyuk to do it, and then accompany him at the workshop too.

They felt that while he was brash and confident, that there were elements in the upcoming performances and expression that Hyuk was not quite ready to deliver.

“He suggested vampires from outer space, you think he can’t handle chains and suits?” he had asked, rather flippantly.

The staff glanced at each other, and one of them spoke up.

“This isn’t about a fantasy world like that. It isn’t boyish, not at all. And it isn’t brutish or a punch in the face. It’sa bit of darkness and a bit of innuendo. It’s not just about infatuation or sex - there is an element of submission and intensity which Hyoggie needs to understand, and he’s not there yet, Hakyeon-ssi.”

Hakyeon realised they had a point, but he didn’t necessarily feel that Hyuk needed help to act any of that out.

“Won’t the choreographer help with all that? Just being in rehearsals, everyone will help.”

“Do you think you can do with Hyoggie what you do with Hongbin on stage?” one of the staff asked.

Hakyeon blinked. For one of their past comebacks, he and Hongbin shared a moment onstage where they come so close, so intensely, that it was borderline erotic - which was the point of him grabbing the back of Hongbin’s neck and leaning in, almost too close. They had already done some acting classes together, and it was not a trial for them to stare into each others’ eyes, even though Hongbin had issues grounding himself from the start - and of course, the giggling. Eventually they came to a point where they each just saw pupils and irises and makeup - but the feeling and effect that they delivered was so impactful, because it was borderline uncomfortable - and tantalising.

No, he didn’t think he could do the same with Hyuk. Or rather, he didn’t think Hyuk could do the same with him.

“Hyoggie needs to separate himself from the character he is about to play on stage. That’s how you and Binnie do that without breaking - because you just want to deliver the emotion. The intensity. Then after, it can go back to the Hyung-baiting and humiliation,” the staff smirked.

Hakyeon smiled. He knew that Hyuk was probably aware of his own limitations, and might welcome the learning, but wouldn’t necessarily appreciate basically being told he wasn’t _knowing_ enough to do this.

“Alright. Will you ask him or shall I?”

And now they were here, and he realised, Hyuk was about to show himself to be very highly capable of doing what they thought he couldn’t, or about to realise that he wasn’t ever ready at all.

He hoped that Hyuk would let whatever it was that might hold him back go, and that he had enough trust in Hakyeon to go somewhere completely new for both of them.

Already, he could feel Hyuk rising to the challenge, and he felt more than a little pride that their youngest hadsomething brash and competent within him that always made him shine.

However, he couldn’t help feeling that he was about to push Hyuk somewhere that could really be crossing the line.

They had gone over many, many aspects of this sort of exercise during their workshop. Participants examined their boundaries - about things like fear, courage, love, sexuality, even shyness - and wondered at which point for each of them, acting turned from performing to realness - and whether at that point they began to fly, or whether they turned and ran.

He had come close to some of those points, and when he let himself go, when he let Cha Hakyeon bleed out of the character he was playing, so that it was just his pure soul, his pure essence, on stage - that was when he felt truly free.

It meant he could slap someone, a stage slap that looked real and almost hurt, who was an actor older, or beloved, or even estranged, to him - and not have that slap mean anything _once the show was over_. It only meant a good or bad performance to both him and the other actor.

Or he could delve into the depths of remembered despair, find old hurts that used to debilitate him, made him hesitate - but use those depths to dredge up miseries and emotions that he set free on the stage. Once off, they disappeared, their power over him diminished for having been aired so freely, at will.

It meant that Hakyeon could see himself being so many things onstage that he couldn’t be in real life - part of the reason why he went so hard when they performed.

The Hakyeon who snarled at the audience on stage was not the polite, respectful Hakyeon at the company office. The Hakyeon who was always in a good mood chatting to the audience did not let his day’s woes affect the joyous atmosphere. Hakyeon found that acting also taught him how to be whatever he had to be in real life - and there was definitely a fine line between faking it and being able to compartmentalise in order to be effective. He hoped always to never cross into simply faking it, and wanted always to maintain the integrity of his feelings.

It was how he found boundless reserves to be there for his members, even when he was down and needed support himself. It also showed him how to ask for that support - because acting was all about give and take.

He knew how stillness worked, knew how uncomfortable it was for many people. Perhaps Shinwoo and Hongbin were too close to really be made uncomfortable - and he appreciated that they were giving him space. But he rather enjoyed the feeling of power he had over their mood - and wondered if that signalled some capacity he had within for the enjoyment of having power over people. He could see how close to psychological abuse these mental states were - and truly believed that everyone was capable of crossing those sorts of lines. What kept people from doing that was - and he truly believed this - basic human goodness. Some form of soulful restraint. Belief.

In this case, the truth was that he and Hyuk were tricking Shinwoo and Hongbin. He just had to trust that the others would see there was no harm intended. Hakyeon would have shrugged if he wasn’t still playing out his character in the back seat. Some things just had to be done with leaps of faith.

He wondered how they were going to take what he was about to initiate with Hyuk - and hoped that Hyuk would let himself go in this weird trust fall, so that they could elicit as great a reaction from them as they could.

They arrived at the restaurant, and when Hongbin asked again what they wanted to eat, Hakyeon quietly monotoned, “Let’s get a room.”

It was a matter of politeness to answer, but the sentence in itself was loaded. It contained innuendo, and also suggested that there was a reason he wanted the room other than for shabu-shabu.

He felt rather gleeful seeing Hongbin glance surreptitiously at Shinwoo, and had to school his expression to look as tight and ready to explode as he could.

_Oh, Hongbin_ , he thought. _Forgive me._

They followed the staff to the room, spending a moment to take off shoes and coats at a courtesy corner, settle their bags on the bench and then figure out who was sitting where.

Hakyeon wanted to sit next to Hyuk in order to carry out his plan, but he needed for it to seem that he was forced to sit with him, rather than that he chose so.

He hovered, playing between looking unbothered about Hyuk but also emanating irritation at having to wait for the others to choose their seats.

To his pleasant surprise, Hyuk gestured for him to sit next to him, a smile slightly sweet and glassy playing on his lips.

Hongbin and Shinwoo seemed to clump together on the opposite side of the table as they sat, grateful to have avoided that interaction with Hakyeon.

Hakyeon made a point of looking down at the seat offered to him, glancing politely around to confirm that there was nowhere else to sit, and sitting down as neatly as he could to avoid contact with Hyuk.

There was a recess in the floor where they could rest their feet, effectively seating them at floor level. Immediately, there was a flurry of activity as the steamboat was brought in and the gas fire lit below it as the server took their order for ingredients.

Hakyeon simply nodded, asking for more vegetables and then suddenly changing his hot tea order for a bottle of sake. He noticed the others glancing at him out of the corner of his eyes, but made a show of fussing with the utensils drawer and staring glassily at his hands as he meted out chopsticks and spoons and little sauce bowls.

As the server left, Hyuk started a loud conversation with Hongbin about how heavy their rehearsal schedule was going to be for the comeback. Shinwoo got roped into it too, and they began chatting in earnest about whether they would survive the cold without shirts under their suits.

“Easy, we’ll just wear thermal underwear,” Hyuk said as he smacked his lips over his mouthful of beef.

Shinwoo snorted. “Not if Nayeon has anything to do with it. Those suits will be tight. It’s going to matter what underwear you wear. And I’m warning you, she seems to have a fetish for straps and ball huggers.”

Hyuk’s eyes widened. Hongbin laughed.

“What are ball huggers? Do they have arms?” Hyuk asked, clearly perplexed.

“Jock straps-“ Hongbin started.

“G-strings. I mean G-strings,” Shinwoo intoned, looking a little haunted by personal memory.

“And how do you know that, Shinwoo Hyung?”

Shinwoo ignored Hongbin, and just kept flipping his beef in the sauce in his bowl. Hongbin chuckled, then turned to Hyuk and smiled into his slightly horrified face.

“Don’t worry, we’ll keep each other warm in as appropriate a way as possible. I promise not to make you feel used, Hyoggie.”

Hakyeon snorted loudly, but didn’t meet the eyes of any of them looking his way. As he ate another mouthful, he let the humour fall from his expression, and stared sombrely at his food as he chewed, his mouth pinched and downturned.

Hongbin blinked, and glanced at Hyuk, lifting his chin a little in inquiry. Hyuk shrugged, then wiped his mouth as he realised that it had come to the point that could not be avoided.

He picked up his chopsticks and used them to sort thru the soup bubbling merrily on the table, as if he was looking for something.

“Don’t worry Hyung, we won’t leave you out-“

Hakyeon put his chopsticks down and drank a swift gulp of his sake, his eyes staring up into the bright light as much as he could, til he had to screw them shut against the pain, tears squeezing out suddenly.

The alcohol burned the back of his throat, but it was when he tried to take a breath that it made him cough. He wiped the back of his mouth and placed his little glass carefully back on the table.

He sniffed, unable to see his food because of the streaks of white seared across his vision.

“You okay?” Shinwoo asked, his tone brusque. Hakyeon nodded, clearing his throat and resuming chewing as he picked up his chopsticks once again.

“This is not like you, Hakyeon-ssi. What’s up?” he continued.

Hakyeon shook his head, still blinking into the bright white in his vision.

“Nothing, I just stared too long at the light.”

“Before that. Quit moping and say something before I call the instructor and ask what is wrong. Or Han Sanghyuk. You tell me.”

Hyuk frowned, then shrugged.

“Everything was fine during class. Hyung only became.. preoccupied when we got in the car.”

Shinwoo turned to Hongbin. “Is it you?”

Hongbin’s eyes widened, and he looked at Hakyeon for help. “No, why would it be me?”

“Who would it be then, me?” Shinwoo asked, obviously irate.

“It’s nothing,” Hakyeon interjected, clearing his throat and taking a deep breath. He looked at Shinwoo, and smiled as clearly and genuinely as he could. “Just a mood. I’m sorry everyone.”

He looked around perfunctorily at Hongbin and Hyuk, then picked up his chopsticks to continue eating.

“Then it must be Han Sanghyuk,” Shinwoo muttered, looking at Hyuk. Hyuk looked surprised.

“We were fine until we got in the car! You saw us, right?” Hyuk stammered, enjoying playing the baffled junior.

“What were you talking about before you got in?” Shinwoo asked, chopsticking beef into his mouth like he was chucking coal into a fire with a shovel.

Hyuk took a moment to think. He didn’t want to give away that they had been discussing the rules of the game, so he went with the last thing Hakyeon talked about.

“Hyung was just talking about the girl who was trying to pair up with me in the workshop.”

Hyuk felt he had successfully dodged a bullet - until he caught Hakyeon looking at him with eyes widened momentarily in surprise. Hakyeon quickly turned it into an expression of disbelief, and Hyuk was enthralled by how quickly he made himself look affronted at him.

He watched as Hakyeon waited til the others clocked his expression, then turned away, shutting his mouth into a tight line and staring at the bubbling broth in front of him.

Hyuk made a mental note to tell Hakyeon how good his performance was at that moment.

Hyuk could feel the other two clicking that this really was the point of contention for Hakyeon, from the sudden cold pall that seemed to fall over them in the room.

He stared at Hakyeon, hoping that by staring at him without blinking he would look clueless about what was going on.

Hakyeon took a deep, long suffering breath as he fished around for more beef. When he couldn’t find any with his chopsticks, he set them down irritably and picked up the longhandled, seived scooper to dredge the bottom fo the hot tureen with.

Hyuk figured that Hakyeon must have been surprised by Hyuk leading the narrative this way - or had expected to do it first, and Hyuk had beaten him to it. Either way, Hyuk felt a spark of excitement that he had somehow impressed Hakyeon, before he had masked his initial reaction.

Then it dawned on him what had made Hakyeon surprised.

Hyuk had unwittingly given him grounds for his mood - and he had barely even had to say anything, or suggest anything. Using silence, he had basically elicited the story from everyone around him, including Hyuk.

And, Hyuk realised, Hakyeon had cottoned on to the story much sooner than he, and was at the point where he could go with it - he had to. The implications were clear.

To Hongbin and Shinwoo, Hakyeon was mad because a girl had wanted to be partners with Hyuk.

That could only mean two things - that the girl was horrible somehow. Or that Hakyeon was jealous.

Hyuk stared with dawning dread as Hakyeon found a little bit of meat at the bottom of the bowl, huffed with smug satisfaction, and looked straight at him, his eyes glittering with what looked like triumph.

**

Hakyeon couldn’t believe it. Hyuk had basically handed him the scenario he had been planning on a plate.

He had to check himself, knowing that Hyuk had caught him breaking, and had seen his thought processes for a moment before he closed the curtain on them, masking his surprise with what he hoped would pass for disappointed, disdainful, reproachful feelings.

Hakyeon’s initial intention was to force Hyuk into a situation where he had to apologise to him for being obtuse and unwittingly hurting Hakyeon. Hakyeon didn’t care which way the story went. He wanted for Hyuk to make a sincere apology for an imaginary situation - something that Hyuk rarely had to do, since he never really crossed any lines that required that of him.

Hakyeon suspected that there was a pride in Hyuk, a deep pride borne of insecurity, where he didn’t ever want to be in a position that he had to admit that he had hurt someone with thoughtlessness - which is why his humour hinged so much on hurting them on purpose. For their own good, so to speak. That they deserved it, that he didn’t trifle with caring. It was a form of sarcasm, a form of pity, that was highly entertaining to watch.

It was why Hyuk rarely apologised. He never needed to. Plus, he was set up as the one who meted out justice and punishment, rather than received it.

Hakyeon wanted him to push those boundaries, to get him to be in a situation where he would have to apologise to Hakyeon for “truly” being thoughtless and in the wrong - and Hakyeon wanted not to come out of it looking like he had tantrummed that reaction out of Hyuk, which was why he chose stony silence over nagging and whingeing.

But now, Hyuk had all but pinned the reasons for his behaviour on the girl, a sweet thing who obviously had interest in Hyuk, but didn’t realise that Hyuk was not interested back. Granted, the conversation and the chain of events lead him to it, but Hyuk could have avoided that and forced Hakyeon to answer Shinwoo instead.

This opened up so many possible layers and stories they could go with - including jealousy, sexuality and a possible hidden narrative of unrequited love.

Hakyeon was absolutely prepared to go as far as the story required - he had no qualms about seeming a certain way to the others, even if they never found out it was all an act.

But was Hyuk?

Hakyeon hazarded a guess that Hyuk didn’t realise what he had set himself up for in that moment - though Hakyeon was sure that Hyuk had a clear inkling now.

He couldn’t help feeling a buzz of excitement.

_Oh, Hyoggie,_ he thought. _Please forgive me too._

He fished out his beef and look pointedly at Hyuk, knowing what he was about to do.

**

Hyuk stared back at Hakyeon and let the dread and helplessness show in his face.

“What?” he said, sounding as clueless as he felt helpless.

He knew. He knew he was about to be led to slaughter.

“I’d rather not talk about it,” Hakyeon said quietly, having the nerve to look embarrassed that he might be forced to explain himself to the others.

Hyuk felt challenged by Hakyeon’s expression, felt his gall rising as he fully accepted that Hakyeon was manipulating this reaction out of him - and the others.

It was both real, and totally correct as far as the playacting was concerned. Hyuk could see, with a little irritation, that Hakyeon was right, knew so much more about the skill of acting, was totally leading him and would later, much later, after this whole thing was over, be able to goad him into admitting that this acting thing was exciting, real, and oh, so terrifyingly addictive.

He both hated that he was caught, that he had to keep following this narrative, whatever was coming, and loved that it was going so well, that his real emotions regarding the scenario were matching the emotions of the character he was playing.

He was being strung along, and Sanghyuk the actor was rolling with it in its deliciousness - while Hyuk the clueless junior was getting irate that Hakyeon wouldn’t come clean.

“Hyung, you can’t bring all that to the table and then pull out when it’s time to explain yourself.”

“Pull out?” Hakyeon huffed, his eyes fighty as he looked at him for moment, then went back to his food, shaking his head. Hyuk could see that his choice of words practically served Hakyeon the innuendo he implied by focusing on them.

“Let’s just eat and go home. We can talk later.”

“Uh… yeah, maybe this is too private to be discussed here,” Shinwoo said his voice suddenly timid and quiet. He and Hongbin looked at each other.

“No. If I am the problem here why isn’t he giving me a chance to explain myself? I have no idea why this is about me.”

Hakyeon put his chopsticks down and poured himself more sake. He gulped it down and squeezed his eyes shut as he put the glass back on the table in front of him. Hyuk huffed, allowing his irritation to show.

“What is that? Am I supposed to suddenly see the error of my ways just because of this silent treatment? Don’t be so dramatic, Hyung,” Hyuk knew that even Hongbin and Shinwoo would see his response as misguided and foolish. The last thing someone who was regularly teased for being dramatic, who now wasn’t really being that dramatic, should be told, was that. It ignored the seriousness of the situation and made it all about attention - which Hyuk knew in a real situation would not be true, but that in this situation, it was all about that and more. He let this striking complexity feed his excitement, and hoped that it read as agitation that he was being held responsible for something he was not aware of.

Other than that, his tone was already enough to indicate wanting to start a fight, since Hakyeon’s seniority over him was more than to do with age.

“Are you sure you want this to be settled here?” Hakyeon said quietly, his lips thin.

Hongbin shook his head emphatically as he said, “No. Definitely not.”

Hyuk had to pinch himself not to giggle at how desperate Hongbin sounded, how little he wanted them to play out this drama here. He rolled his eyes instead and shook his head in disbelief as he gnawed on his lips in what he hoped looked like frustration.

Hakyeon looked up at Hongbin, who seemed to blanch at the resolution he saw in his eyes, before speaking quietly.

“It is obviously private. You guys should chill and talk in the morning. I mean, talk tomorrow,” Hongbin winced as he realised that he said seemed to imply more than he ever wanted to.

“We can talk now,” Hakyeon stated with resolve.

“No, tomorrow sounds better-“ Shinwoo began, but Hakyeon was already swivelling to face Hyuk better.

“Hyuk is right. I am being dramatic. I should just say what is bothering me.”

Hyuk looked up, resisting the urge to avoid Hakyeon, and turning instead to face him, leaning back against his seat to affect a look of being ever so tired of it, in the face of Hyung’s ire.

He leaned his elbow on the table and nonchalantly took a sip of his now cool cup of green tea.

The irony of sipping on a cool cup of cha was not lost on him.

He also knew that he would not only be irritating Hakyeon but probably the others too, for looking so pointedly uncaring. Over it.

“You’re stringing that girl along-“

Hyuk stared at him as coolly as he could. And he marvelled at how coolly Hakyeon was staring him down too - his own self-possession tinged with an underlying impetus that spoke of rage - and something softer.

Heartache.

“-which is not like you. You’re hurting her.”

“What does that matter to you?” Hyuk interjected, a drawl as he cocked his head.

Hyuk watched in awe as Hakyeon teared up. He was sure the others couldn’t see it, but Hakyeon was so in the moment, so committed, he was doing it anyway.

He disguised his awe with a look of disdainful surprise.

This caused Hongbin to notice Hakyeon’s demeanour, and he shifted in alarm.

“Hyuk-ah-“

“Enough. Hyuk, stop it. What is up with you all of a sudden?” Shinwoo cut in.

Hyuk could feel their alarm and discomfort from across the table. He was sure his change in attitude was a signal of blame to them. He just wasn’t sure himself what he was guilty of yet.

“It’s because he can’t tell her the truth. And he won’t lie to her either. He can’t tell her why he isn’t interested.”

A tear spilled from Hakyeon’s eye, and when he blinked, more spilled. As the tear ran down his cheek, Hyuk couldn’t help his gaze following it, and when Hakyeon swallowed, he couldn’t help watching his throat working. He realised that he was distracted, and looked back up to find Hakyeon staring at him, all the hurt in his eyes gone. Instead, he saw open concern. He looked beseeching. He looked in love.

Hyuk felt a little stir of panic ripple through his chest. Is that what love looked like? Was he mistaking some other emotion for love? It is what he immediately thougt it was, so he reasoned that Hakyeon’s intention was for him to read that look as one of love.

More importantly, was this where Hakyeon was really going?

And suddenly taking everything down to an almost sombre pitch. This he did not anticipate.

He was expecting to have to play cool against an emotional tirade. Instead, Hakyeon had taken the wind out of his own sails, and had left Hyuk feeling like he was pushing against air. He suddenly felt that he could not really see where this was going, and that he couldn’t prepare a reaction, nor prepare any answers.

He was about to freefall, and he noted that while it concerned him, he finally understood that nothing he did would be a mistake. He didn’t have to be pushed. He could just go with it, and fall into it. After all, that was all the choice he had - one he realised he had already decided to do.

Hakyeon searched his eyes, as if he was looking for some sign that there was another, better Hyuk somewhere behind the bravado.

Hyuk let his face clear of his smirk. He supposed that to the others, he could be feeling surprise at the change in Hakyeon’s demeanour. He felt it would be safe to go with his own feelings in the moment, as they matched with what was happening in their scenario.

So, when Hakyeon spoke again, Hyuk chose to let himself express whatever he felt, without thinking about whether or not it would fit the scene.

He knew that whatever happened, it would fit the situation. He trusted.

Hakyeon leaned forward, just a tad too close, just beyond the invisible boundary of his personal space, and said, “He won’t even tell himself the truth.”

Hyuk faced Hakyeon’s stare, letting whatever was left of his own ingenuousness bleed out of his expression, till his eyes went hard, and his mouth became a taut line of stony reproach. He sensed, outside of his line of vision, that Hongbin and Shinwoo had gone very still, and hoped that he conveyed the message that he knew he had been discovered - and was not happy about it.

In that moment, Hyuk knew that for them, they had just realised that the game was up for Hyuk. His reaction to Hakyeon all but proved that Hakyeon was right. All that mattered now for Hyuk was that his reaction led the story forward, that he gave as generously as Hakyeon had given in the push and pull of their craft.

Hakyeon held his gaze, and the moment was electrifying. Hyuk had never really shared a gaze this potent, this intense with anyone - except perhaps the camera, if he ever got the opportunity.

Strangely, it felt most important that he didn’t want to let Hakyeon down. He wanted to meet him halfway, at the very least. He wanted to give his all.

Quietly, so quiet it felt terrifying, Hyuk said, “And what is the truth?”

He wanted them to think he was goading Hakyeon.

He thought he heard someone take a sharp breath, but he couldn’t break eye contact with Hakyeon, whose gaze seemed to soften back into its liquid stoicism. And - did he see it right? - a moment when Hakyeon seemed to look on him with regret, or pity, before it disappeared behind that intensity again. Hyuk vaguely understood that that look was for him, Hyuk the actor.

Hakyeon was going to come in hard.

Hakyeon looked like he had decided that, since Hyuk was asking, he would be telling the truth.

“That you are interested in someone else. And too scared to admit it.”

Hyuk could feel himself become brittle around the edges. He was about to be revealed, and Han Sanghyuk did not stand to be revealed. Han Sanghyuk did the revealing. Han Sanghyuk never had anything to hide.

This was his catch 22. He had to let Hakyeon do it - it was the pride of Han Sanghyuk, who didn’t stand down from confrontation, didn’t let anything faze him, who didn’t shy away from the truth. It also meant he had to take it, had to let it happen, had to deal with the consequences, as the Han Sanghyuk who had been revealed.

Softly, but with an edge to his voice that bespoke a warning, he whispered, “Really? Too scared?”

He watched Hakyeon observe him, wondered if Hakyeon was going to take his words as a challenge.

Then, after a beat, he asked, “Who?”

Hakyeon stared at him for a moment, his eyes taking on the resolve of an army general about to send his men into war.

“Me.”

Hyuk felt the room go deathly silent, as if gravity had surged and made any wave of energy, light or sound, drop from the atmosphere. It was a vacuum. A breath held.

He knew the others were watching him for confirmation. Would Hyuk deny it? Would Hyuk retaliate? Or did he have nothing to hide, as he never, ever did?

Hyuk let his eyes almost flutter shut as he dropped his gaze momentarily to Hakyeon’s mouth.

He flicked them right back up to his eyes, at which point Hakyeon leaned forward and reached for his jaw with his hand, pausing for a moment.

Hyuk couldn’t help but take a sudden breath, his mouth dropping open in soft surprise as Hakyeon looked at him with a warning in his eyes.

When he didn’t say anything, Hakyeon looked down at his mouth, and leaned in slowly but surely, to kiss him.

Hyuk found himself unable to move, unable to shift, to avoid, to laugh it off, to squeal disgust, to resist. He let it happen. He watched as Hakyeon’s eyes shut, his lashes fine and soft shadows under the overhead lighting, his lips parting, beautiful, desirous. When he shut his own eyes, he could feel something like a sob rising up in his throat, and wondered if this is what freefalling really felt like.

Then they were kissing, and Hyuk felt his body yield, and his breath leave him softly, his throat sounding a gentle, quiet, tiny little moan that spoke of how this letting go was so much more than just acquiescence.

In the back of his mind, he was still Han Sanghyuk, cognisant of the fact that Hongbin and Shinwoo were watching the maknae Letting Hyung In, which they had never really seen at any time, let alone on this momentous level.

Hakyeon kissing Sanghyuk? Hyuk letting him?? And then the true kicker - Hyuk, in love with Hakyeon?

But more truthfully, Hyuk was also himself, letting himself be kissed by Hakyeon for the sake of this experiment that had been so bothersome, cumbersome, maybe terrifying - and feeling like he wanted to offer himself up on a plate for Hakyeon to feast on.

The only thing that kept him from truly indulging in the experience of the character of Han Sanghyuk who was whipped for Hakyeon, was that he didn’t know where Han Sanghyuk, the character he was playing, and Han Sanghyuk, himself right now, ended or began.

He didn’t know if what he was feeling was real for their performance, or real for him - and this was not solely a question of the actor’s dilemma, but Hyuk’s most personal, most intimate self’s quandary.

He was thinking, and then he was realising that, whilst Hakyeon was the one who initiated this deep, reverent kiss - it was he who was kissing Hakyeon, his lips reaching, his tongue slipping out to delve between Hakyeon’s lips.

Hyuk noted that he had done that, and thought, well, why would Han Sanghyuk kiss back? To Hongbin and Shinwoo, Hakyeon was right.

Hyuk reached up to grab the front of Hakyeon’s sweater, pulling him closer, letting that sob that he felt rising, bubble up, til he gasped into Hakyeon’s mouth, tears welling up in his own eyes.

Hakyeon pulled back, gasping, his mouth hanging open, his eyes wide for a moment, taking in Hyuk’s reddened lips and the flush in his cheeks as he swallowed roughly. He was trying to catch his breath, and he looked into Hyuk’s eyes as if Hyuk should have known better, and turned away.

It looked like he had come to his senses. Looked like he realised where they were.

Looked like he couldn’t believe that Hyuk had responded how he did.

Hyuk was left breathless, and could feel his chest rising and falling rapidly as he fought to catch his breath. He blinked at Hakyeon, lifting a hand slowly to grip his own mouth shut tight. His lips were tingling, his tongue remembering the heated softness he had felt inside Hakyeon’s lips. He shut his eyes, and felt moisture squeeze out onto his skin.

Hakyeon had bowed his head, his hand on the table as if he needed to steady himself.

“I’m sorry. This is not the place. Sorry Hyung. Hongbin, I’m sorry.”

Then he gathered himself up neatly, stood and grabbed his things, and left as quietly as his sudden and obvious embarrassment could take him.

Hyuk sat up, his mouth dropping open as he tried to take a deeper breath. He reached up to rub at his forehead, using his hand to cover what he felt was red heat in his face - embarrassment or arousal, he couldn’t tell what.

He gasped. He thought inanely that he should say something, or do something, to round out their performance, to bring their scene to a close. But he was cognisant that something had happened there which he had not even thought about, had not planned.

The story was, Han Sanghyuk finally acknowledged that he wanted Hakyeon, and despite holding back, couldn’t help but respond, weak for Hakyeon’s kiss.

Except that Hyuk hadn’t known that til it happened. And Hyuk was not sure what was what anymore.

What the fuck. He looked up suddenly to find Hongbin staring at him with eyes goggly and shocked, his mouth comically downturned in what Hyuk could only interpret as in personal horror.

Shinwoo on the other hand, was drinking deeply from his beer, his eyes fixed at some point in the middle distance.

Hyuk felt that he was on the verge of hysteria, and seeing their faces was like looking in on a tragic comedy halfway through a play.

With a strangled sob, he wrenched himself out of his seat and left too, grabbing his things as he went.

**

He found Hakyeon a little way up the now quiet street, standing neatly in his overcoat under a street light on the corner, and holding his bag like a doctor’s briefcase by his side, using his other hand to scroll calmly through his handphone.

He looked like he was primly waiting for the bus.

Like he hadn’t been kissing Hyuk into a molten puddle in a private room at the japanese shabu-shabu just minutes before.

He looked up, and had the gall to look happy.

“Hyuk-ah,” he said, his tone a mixture of pleasant surprise, as if he had just bumped into him on the street, and curiosity, wondering why he was there.

Hyuk slowed, seeing as Hakyeon wasn’t trying to avoid him. He wasn’t sure exactly why he was seeking Hakyeon out. He wasn’t certain how to read the situation right now.

He tried to take stock of himself, to figure what was making his heart race so, what kept his lips burning from that kiss, and why he wanted to see Hakyeon. To feel him.

“What do you think? Did we do something interesting back there?” Hakyeon started forward, slipping his phone into his coat pocket.

Which was when he noticed how flushed Hyuk was, and agitated. He slowed, his eyes glassing over a little.

“Are you okay? Did it not go as well as I thought?” he asked.

“I-I guess it went well,” Hyuk stuttered, suddenly dismayed that he had misread this situation. Or perhaps, that he had let himself get carried away. One thing was certain - it seemed that Hakyeon was still Hakyeon, who had simply gone through an intense creative process, whereas Hyuk felt like he had been changed forever.

“You know I did think for a moment there you would chicken out. I tried to give you a chance to get out of it, did you see that?” Hakyeon smiled up at him, pleased with himself.

Hyuk nodded. He supposed that was the moment when he thought Hakyeon was looking at him in warning just before he kissed him. He had seen it as a warning not to resist. But now he realised Hakyeon had been signalling that he was about to cross a line for both the character and the actor that Hyuk was in that moment.

“You’re more of an actor than you give yourself credit for, Hyoggie. It’s really admirable how you went with it, how true it felt. You kept the integrity of the scene - and added your own twist too, very bravely I might add. I fear I broke early, and I’m glad it didn’t faze you.”

“But- but what about the others? What do we tell them?”

Hakyeon blinked.

“Oh. Well, Shinwoo will probably swallow whatever reservations he has personally. He probably shit himself thinking about his idols not just being gay, but being in love. I feel sorry for him really, but he will get over it once he finds out.”

Hyuk was a little blindsided by how cool Hakyeon was about it all.

“What about Hongbin?” he stammered, remembering the look of utter disbelief on Hongbin’s face.

“Ah. I am sure Hongbin probably guessed what was going on soon after we had started. We did the same exercise together last year, when I did the workshop for my second time. It was together with him.”

Hyuk was aghast. Hongbin could have been playing along? Then what was that look for? He was acting too? Had Hakyeon and Hongbin done this to him at some point too? Or the boys?

Another thought hit him, which made him feel more than a little upset. Had they also tried to convince people they were dating too? In love? With a kiss?

“When-?”

“Oh, we pretended to be rich boys at an art gallery. We wanted to convince them we could afford a painting. Or we tried to. I managed to talk Nayeon into letting me borrow those luxury bags, remember? But we didn’t fool anyone. We had no class. We were little boys, we knew nothing.”

Hyuk listened, all the while hearing something else coming from Hakyeon. It had all been an act - and he was proud of Hyuk for successfully fooling the others - even if Hongbin was probably aware of what was going on.

He heard that Hakyeon hadn’t felt anything in that kiss - and if he had, he had left it behind in the scene.

“Our mistake then was, we didn’t realise that what makes it work is the human element. It all boils down to tapping into the essence of feeling. Of what makes us human. We thought we had to play a joke on people and get away with it. Our commitment was to duping the audience. But today, we got it so right. Our commitment was to the emotions, the truth of the story - and we did it, didn’t we Hyoggie?”

Hakyeon looked up at Hyuk, his eyes shining.

Hyuk never felt that he was that much taller than Hakyeon, but in this moment, with Hakyeon beaming up at him proudly, being so himself and also, now, someone that Hyuk couldn’t look at without seeing someone that meant something so different to him - Hakyeon seemed so protectable, so precious to him.

For a moment, he felt an inexorable pull towards him, and knew that if he just let himself, he would take Hakyeon into his embrace, and kiss him again. He was sure that his wish could be read in his eyes, and wondered why Hakyeon, who had been so sensitive to the atmosphere, to his being, back in that tiny room, seemed totally unseeing of what was going on with him here, outside.

“Did I… Did I go too far?” he asked, thinking that perhaps Hakyeon could give him some answers if he talked theory about what had happened.

Hakyeon’s smile turned glassy, a tiny instant of unreadable pleasantry, before he looked away, nodding.

“It fit the occasion, Hyuk. If you had actually admitted to being in love, I would have completely achieved what I set out to do.”

_Capture my heart with a kiss and make me say it too._

Hakyeon cleared his throat, pulling his phone back out of his pocket.

“But kissing back sufficed,” he murmured, his throat not quite clear, as he checked his messages.

Hyuk felt his shock diminish - because he heard something in Hakyeon’s voice, something that sounded a little like uncertainty - and it gave him hope.

“My taxi is around the corner, so I guess I will go wait at my spot.”

Hakyeon smiled a tight-lipped smile, his eyes meeting Hyuk’s resolutely before he turned to walk back towards the corner.

“Hyung,” Hyuk blurted. Hakyeon stopped, then turned back.

In that moment, Hyuk saw it, saw what he wanted to see in Hakyeon’s eyes. It was all he needed.

“Could you give me a lift?”

**

Hakyeon stood at the corner, hoping that his taxi would find him before the others came out.

He supposed he should have known. Should have fucking known better.

That little brat had turned the tables on him, sticking his tongue into his mouth and pulling on him as if he had found salvation in his kiss.

The problem was that despite the fact that he felt a little deflated that Hyuk hadn’t been fazed at all by him kissing him all of a sudden and forcing him into an imagined love triangle, involving his own admittedly stuffy older self - he had found himself losing all the hold he thought he had.

When he had practically run out of the room, he was doing so for effect - and because he really was running.

As he left, he had on the one hand, felt himself crow with the satisfaction of having his supposed unrequited love finally acknowledged, finally requited. On the other, he had also felt like the carpet had been pulled out from under him, and now the story he had wanted was no longer his to tell.

Hyuk had changed it into something else. Now, they were lovers who could have each other.

And Hakyeon hadn’t planned for _that_.

“Wait a minute,” he muttered out loud.

_It’s just a script. It’s a fiction._

Hakyeon blinked.

They weren’t really lovers who had nothing holding them back now - they were two members of a group playing tricks on other people.

Hakyeon felt a little dismayed.

He had never, ever, wanted to confuse professional lines between himself and the members - or staff or channel personnel either. And now here he was, confusing his own self with his character.

There was no losing his hold on anything, because there was nothing to lose his hold over. Hyuk had improvised, and had given more than he could have imagined, also showing himself to be unperturbed by the boundaries Hakyeon had thought he had been pushing - and had pretty much excelled at the exercise that he had claimed to be uncomfortable with.

For a moment Hakyeon wondered if even that had been a little play by Hyuk. A little falsehood so that he could surprise Hakyeon with how little improv actually scared him, right when it mattered.

Whatever the case may be, they had carried out their experiment, their exercise, well. The only problem Hakyeon had was that he had fallen into Hyuk’s response so deeply, that he had momentarily made it their truth in his mind.

_We aren’t in love. He wasn’t kissing me._

They were characters, finally finding each other.

And as he thought that, Hakeyon felt a deep momentary pull on his soul, a sadness that they were indeed, just characters.

Then Hyuk had appeared out of the restaurant, flushed and fluttery around the edges, and Hakyeon had dropped a cool exterior over himself like a soft cloth, and had managed to dredge up the open, giving, senior Hakyeon within who commended him on his acting and willingness to take chances.

He had managed to keep his cool, had managed to be a little humorous, until he turned to go back to his spot under the light. Knowing he had the luxury of the walk back facing away, he afforded himself a silent gasp, shutting his eyes against his sudden forlorn yearning for a moment before he heard Hyuk call him back.

Without thinking, without restoring that utter self-control, he had turned back and let Hyuk see the confusion and despair in his eyes before he could hide it.

He blinked, a taut smile lifting the corner of his pinched lips.

Hyuk saw. He saw, and then there passed between them that silent inarticulable communication that actors were so sensitive to - that anyone who wanted to express the purest essence of feeling knew could hardly be captured or expressed adequately with words.

It spoke of understanding, it spoke of sensitivity. It was knowing.

Hyuk knew, and he wanted in.

The cab had arrived at that very moment and they had gotten in without speaking and Hakyeon had glanced expectantly at Hyuk, thinking he would ask for his added stop - and when he hadn’t, Hakyeon had not done anything about it. He hadn’t said he could come along, he hadn’t said anything.

They were going home together and everything seemed inevitable despite the fact that he could just put a stop to it if he wanted to.

He felt paralysed. He didn’t want to stop where this was going, but he wasn’t certain that this was the right thing to do.

And now he was sitting at one window and Hyuk at the other in the back of the car, and it seemed to be like they were playacting again, back to making measured little movements that meant too much or not enough, with their only true audience being themselves.

Except that now Hakyeon felt like he was floundering, barely knowing what the kiss had meant to Hyuk or himself, thinking that if only Hyuk had left him alone, this wouldn’t have escalated into this heightened, turgid atmosphere where all he could think of was Hyuk’s warm tongue and clutching hands, and how he had run out to find him and had looked so confused and searching and cute, and how Hakyeon had let him see, had _let him see_ that he was shaken, that he was mistaken… and that he wanted more.

And Hyuk had come with him because… well he must have wanted more too.

And now Hakyeon was afraid, so very afraid that this was not what should be happening, that Hyuk was young, that he had started this and had fired Hyuk up and that he really should put a stop to whatever Hyuk thought was happening between them.

The problem was, he couldn’t. He didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t find his voice. He knew that they would be getting to his place, and then - what? He had to invite Hyuk in. The time to turn him away had passed. Hyuk had asked to come with him, and the opportunity to turn him down was then, not now, not at his doorstep, and certainly not when they were inside his home.

The truth was, that he didn’t want to put a stop to it. Hakyeon wanted more, wanted this, wanted Hyuk in the car with him, going home together.

It was a far cry from the Hakyeon who had rather smugly thought he was about to push Hyuk beyond his comfort zone with his measly pressing of lips on lips. It wasn’t Hyuk kissing him back that had thrown him - of course, his kiss was sweet, and the act of pressing mouths together in front of their particular audience didn’t give Hakyeon any pause.

It was the moment when he had felt Hyuk’s hands grasp at his sweater, slowly fisting the material as he pulled on him. It was the little noise he had made that seemed to bubble up out of his chest. It was the feeling that, for the first time ever since knowing him, Hyuk seemed to need him, and need him bad.

All that was mixed up in the fiction that they were playing out - that Hyuk had been witholding his love from Hakyeon, and that it was Hakyeon who was more cognisant of their relationship than Hyuk was. For Hyuk to respond the way he did… it made Hakyeon feel wanted, desired, by someone who had finally realised that they had been futile in trying to resist.

Hakyeon felt silly, stupid. He felt like his ego was so small, or needed stroking so much, that Hyuk’s interest in him was enough to make him fall for… this.

He realised that if it hadn’t been for Hyuk coming out to find him, he would never have seen his poor junior trying to figure out through their stilted conversation what happened, would never have realised that Hyuk was perplexed by his sudden neutral coolness, and that he wanted to find out if Hakyeon had felt the same as he.

And at the last, he had totally lost his chance to close off the possibility that what happened between them in their acting, could burgeon into something real and spill over into their real lives.

He realised that he had not really said at any point that this needed to stop, and his heart sank when he understood that as soon as possible was the next best time to do that.

Hakyeon cleared his throat, wanting to stop the taxi, but then Hyuk laid his large warm hand over his as it rested neatly in his lap, and had gently squeezed, saying ever so softly to him, “Hyung, it’s just me.”

Hakyeon looked down at his large paw of a hand, and could feel the heat of his palm as he laid it over the back of his hand. He blinked. He felt small, felt as if he had been shivering, and that the weight and warmth of Hyuk’s hand had calmed him and grounded him.

He blinked at their hands in his lap, afraid that if he looked at Hyuk, he would reveal himself to be scared, and in turn give Hyuk the idea that he was unwilling, and whilst he had his misgivings about this all, he didn’t want to do that. Not to Hyuk.

He swallowed, feeling that his voice was going to come out dry, and was about to speak when Hyuk withdrew his hand. In surprise, he looked up at Hyuk to find him shifting in his seat, looking down and clearing his throat, and he looked over to find the taxi driver eyeing him with disgust in the rear view mirror.

Having this outsider looking at them so, joining dots and making stories behind their eyes, seemed to fortify Hakyeon, as if scattered and frazzled parts of him came together under that hateful gaze. He found that nothing galvanised him faster and stronger than being judged, or having any of his members be judged.

It filled him with resolve. He didn’t doubt what he wanted. He doubted that this was what Hyuk wanted. He doubted that Hyuk understood what this could really mean, what sort of difficulties arose if two members were to fall for each other.

If Hyuk, whose large warm hand had calmed him so just moments ago, could flounder under the gaze of a reproachful taxi driver, then what would he be like in the face of the people whose opinions he truly valued?

Hakyeon blinked and looked out the window.

“I’m not going back to the dorm, Hyoggie. I’m going back to my place. My parents’ old single. You okay with that?” he murmured as he watched the streetlights passing them by.

“We can work anywhere, Hyung,” he heard Hyuk mumble. He smiled as he stared out the window. Was Hyuk protecting himself? Or perhaps trying to protect him?

He turned and looked square at Hyuk, who lifted eyes tinged with trepidation, to meet his.

“We can do whatever you want, Hyoggie. We can do whatever we want.”

Hyuk’s eyes widened the tiniest bit, and then he seemed to catch whatever spark of courage drifted up from inside, and the spark blew into a flash of comprehension and relief and fearlessness, and he smiled, his eyes dissolving into lines and crinkles, his cheeks lifting with the movement of his mouth.

Hakyeon had to fight a deep and sudden urge to lean over and kiss him.

Before they knew it, they were home.

**

Hyuk followed Hakyeon into the little lift, a luxury in this older neighbourhood, where the apartments were still less than five floors high and usually only had stairs.

They stood apart, intensely aware of each other and listening to each other’s breaths in the enclosed space.

The lift was slow but when it stopped, the doors rattled open with great force, giving Hyuk a little bit of a fright and making Hakyeon smile amusedly.

The lift opened into a small lobby in which the doors to two apartments stood. Hakyeon pulled out a key for a deadbolt lock - which was also a strange accessory for Hyuk, who was used to code locks on apartment doors - and walked towards the left-most door, which did have a code lock on the door handle, obviously a later addition.

He snickered when Hakyeon actually hid his code as he punched it in.

Hakyeon tutted. “You were looking, maknae.”

“I wouldn’t barge in without your knowledge,” Hyuk noted that his voice sounded small, abashed.

“You would tell Taekwoonnie and let him do it.“

Hyuk supposed he couldn’t really argue with Hakyeon’s misgivings, and realised that in this moment, there were past experiences between them that informed how Hakyeon thought about him - something that made him wish that he had given more thought to how he had treated Hakyeon in the past.

It made him sad to think that Hakyeon might not think of him as anything but a kid, perhaps a bully or unwilling to understand him.

“You haven’t told Taekwoon Hyung your passcode?” he murmured, both surprised at that little bit of information, and hoping to elicit a smile from Hakyeon, and regretting it instantly as he realised that he was still making jabs.

“That old man would come hang out all day if I let him in. Don’t give him my code,” Hakyeon’s joke was funny to Hyuk, but his tone was ever so sombre and gentle. Hakyeon seemed resigned, and Hyuk rather felt it was as if he was preparing himself to say something he thought Hyuk wouldn’t want to hear.

Hakyeon unlocked the deadbolt with his key and pushed the door open, walking straight in and letting Hyuk shut the door behind him, letting his bag drop onto a bench that was set in to the entryway wardrobe and reaching for some lightswitches to light up the rest of the apartment.

Hyuk followed close behind, his thoughts gathering around what he thought he needed to know.

He wanted to ask Hakyeon if he felt the same way he did, but he didn’t understand what he was feeling, and was still tying it to their experiment. In the back of his mind, they still had homework to do, and he also wanted for them not to part on awkward terms so that they could complete their assignment with the proper analysis they were supposed to make. Foremost in his mind, was how mere moments before their kiss, they were still actors acting, tricksters playing tricks - and in that instant, Hyuk had discovered that he wanted Hakyeon, wanted him badly. He trusted his feelings, his desires, but this was a new circumstance, and he was trying to figure out where he the actor with real feelings began, and he the character with real feelings ended.

He just wasn’t sure where Hakyeon stood - and if it wasn’t for that little moment when he had caught a glimpse into Hakyeon’s own feelings, he might have sat on his feelings and pretended they had never happened.

As he shut the door and turned to follow Hakyeon in, he found himself almost walking right into him, as Hakyeon had turned and stood in his way, leaning against the entryway wall to eye him sombrely.

“Hyoggie, we have a lot to talk about.”

Hyuk nodded, feeling himself catching his breath. He was standing so close, he could feel Hakyeon’s body heat between them. All he needed to do was lift his hand, and he could touch him, pull him close.

“Do you know what you are here for?”

Hyuk stared at Hakyeon. He was being asked to articulate what it was he had found so hard to figure, after the kiss, out there, on the street.

“Do you, Hyung?” he countered, wondering if he could ever get to the point where he could just be sure of what happened.

“I know why I have let you come here. I want to know why you wanted to.”

“I… I don’t know how to put it in words. I was hoping you could help me,” Hyuk muttered, giving in to the fact that his thoughts were too scattered to be given any cohesion. He had seen something in Hakyeon’s eyes that had affirmed something for him, and he wanted to get close. He wanted to feel him, touch him.

“When did it change meaning for you?” Hakyeon asked, his eyes taking on that glassy look that Hyuk took to be some form of preemptive avoidance, like he was expecting Hyuk to say something that would hurt him.

“When you kissed me,” Hyuk stated, thinking that it was obvious.

“When during the kiss, did it change for you?” Hakyeon insisted, his voice getting softer.

Hyuk saw the moment in his head, and before he could relive it through, already felt the surge of emotion that had coursed through him as it happened.

“It.. It was a moment when I thought, there was no going back. When I thought that if I broke and didn’t let you do what I knew you were going to do, that I was going to fail the scene. Fail you. In that moment, I just gave in. I just let whatever happen, happen. I was falling, and it made me so… emotional. I wanted to cry, and you hadn’t even kissed me yet-“

Hyuk realised Hakyeon’s eyes had come into focus again, and before Hyuk had understood what was happening, he stepped in close as he slipped a hand up around Hyuk’s neck and pulled him in for a deep, searching kiss.

Hyuk couldn’t help gasping in surprise, but found himself melting against Hakyeon’s body til he pressed into him, against the wall, his hand finding its way under his open over coat to rest on Hakyeon’s hip, the other reaching up to cradle his jaw.

He felt Hakyeon’s jaw working as he opened his mouth and took Hyuk’s lower lip in between his, to suck and tongue him there. Their breaths intermingled and sounded urgent in the small space of the entry, but Hakyeon was taking his time, turning his head so he could taste the different corners of Hyuk’s mouth, his other hand finally reaching between them and slipping up under Hyuk’s sweater to grasp at his buttoned up shirt.

Hyuk heard Hakyeon murmur to him between kisses.

“Hyoggie, are you sure you want this?”

“Hmmm,” Hyuk hummed through his lips as they captured, closed around and sucked on Hakyeon’s tongue. Without warning, he ground his pelvis up against Hakyeon’s cock, please to find he was as hard as he was.

He released Hakyeon so that he could round both his hands down around his ass, clutching at his flesh as best he could through his pants and pulling on him. Hakyeon let his body slouch against the wall as Hyuk pulled his pelvis close, a soft smirk on his lips as he watched Hyuk with hooded eyes.

Hyuk stared down between them as he forced their groins together tight, his jaw loose and his mouth a soft red pucker.

“Do _you_ want this, Hyung? Cause I get the feeling you want to talk me out of it. Even though you kissed me, both times.”

Hakyeon stilled, causing Hyuk to look up at him. Hyuk could see that same look in Hakyeon’s eyes, the look that he had glimpsed in the street, the look that had cemented Hyuk’s belief that, no matter how good of an actor Hakyeon was, he had let him see how much he _didn’t_ have under control.

And Hyuk wanted that to be because of him. He wanted that Hakyeon was as fallen for him as he was for Hakyeon.

Perhaps it was some youthful certainty, perhaps it was just his character. Hyuk was not used to second-guessing what he wanted for himself. He was not subject to doubts and misgivings like his more anxious, proper older brothers. Hyuk had certainty, that his value to others was not just derived from his commitment to the group, from his abilities or his talents, but also derived from him being him.

He understood that of all the members, he was the least afflicted by a lack of self-esteem. Of all of them, he was accepting of himself and knew intrinsically that he was worthy, because he born worthy.

But Hakyeon, always confident and strident, had arrived at that confidence after long years of trial and self-doubt and sometimes, pure bravado.

Whilst they each shared the same self-assuredness, their self-worths were derived from different impulses.

Hakyeon, Hyuk knew, had had to work on that so much harder than he had, to get where they both were.

So when he saw that look in Hakyeon’s eyes, he understood the multitudes of reluctance, misgivings, and foreboding that Hakyeon would have been thinking, and Hyuk knew, that age, experience, standing and status - all these things mattered, not just to Hakyeon, but to everyone around them,

It was why, under the taxi driver’s scrutiny, Hyuk had pulled away, for propriety’s sake.

When he thought of how Hakyeon had practically scoffed in the face of the taxi driver’s disdain for their intimacy, he realised that Hakyeon cared for Hyuk in that instant more than he cared for himself - or at least, he wanted to stand up for Hyuk, the way he always knew how to stand up for all of them.

“Please don’t try to talk me out of it,” Hyuk murmured, his voice whispery thick as he bent his head to take Hakyeon’s mouth again.

He felt Hakyeon soften, let Hyuk hold him tight around the waist, close, as he pressed him against the wall. He shifted his weight to step around Hakyeon so that both his feet were on the outside of his. Hakyeon was by no means tiny, but he felt like he was crowding his slight body, engulfed by his own bulk, giving Hyuk an added pleasure in holding him tight.

Their kiss slowed into small licks and sucks and pecks, and then they were just holding each other, Hakyeon’s arms around his waist too and his face nestled in the crook of Hyuk’s neck. He felt Hakyeon take a deep, contented breath, as if he were smelling him deeply, and it pleased Hyuk how comforting he thought it might be for Hakyeon.

“Hmmm, you smell of boiled beef,” he murmured, making Hyuk giggle and pull back a little so that he could look at Hakyeon.

Hakyeon peered up at him, a soft smile on his lips as his eyes seemed to lose focus.

Hyuk liked seeing Hakyeon looking a little hazy and soft in his arms like this.

“I have never brought anyone here, maknae. Do you understand what this means?”

“You take our homework very seriously?”

Hakyeon laughed, genuinely amused, and Hyuk couldn’t help groaning as his body moved against him . He loved seeing the pretty shape Hakyeon’s mouth made as he laughed, the lines his smile made down his cheeks, and how his eyes shut momentarily in his mirth. Hyuk nuzzled his nose along Hakyeon’s angled smile line till his mouth aligned with his, and kissed him softly.

Hakyeon hummed a small contented sound, and Hyuk responded with a moan as they rocked against each other, til finally Hyuk moved his hands to grasp Hakyeon’s, letting their hands hang down by their sides.

He broke their kiss, staring at Hakyeon’s mouth, swollen and dark red.

“Do we really need to understand what happened?”

Hakyeon looked up at him, his eyes a little sad.

“Doesn’t it feel like we are still playing out our scene?”

Hyuk went still with a sort of muted dread, staring anxiously as Hakyeon’s expression turned from amusement to the sudden realisation that that did not sound too good.

“No, let me re-phrase that. Doesn’t it feel like if it hadn’t been for our scene, we would never have found ourselves here, like this?”

Hyuk blinked at Hakyeon. He had a point - and part of the reason he had run out after Hakyeon was to try to muddle some kind of meaning out of what had happened between them.

He wondered if it wasn’t purely physical, that maybe they were effectually lonely people who needed touch, needed release. He dismissed the thought, knowing that at some point during their scene and their encounter outside after, they had recognised something deeper that had affected both of them.

He just wondered if it was just some form of alignment, some sort of coming together that they would expunge from themselves through physical intimacy, or whether this was something much, much deeper.

Hyuk nodded, his gaze dropping to linger on Hakyeon’s fine, softened mouth.

“There was a moment when you looked at me that I wondered if that was what love looked like,” he murmured.

“Love?” Hakyeon whispered.

“Yes,” Hyuk sighed, his fingers and thumb softly stroking Hakyeon’s hands as they stood, so close, breathing in each other’s breaths and whispers.

The corner of Hakyeon’s mouth lifted in amusement as he closed his eyes, just shy of being en eye-roll.

“If I had looked at you like that this afternoon, you would have looked at me in disgust and doubted my professionalism and questioned my propriety, Sanghyuk-ssi.”

Hyuk nodded, smiling a little too.

“How are you so sure that my look wasn’t simply acting?” Hakyeon mused.

“I am sure it was just acting. But Hyung, it was real, it was breathtaking.”

Hyuk couldn’t help but lean in a little against Hakyeon, and he let their little fingers intertwine as he swallowed.

Hakyeon’s smile faded away, and Hyuk could see that what he had said had been some sort of personal vindication for Hakyeon - that his acting truly had been real, that perhaps he had put his essence, his soul into it. And despite the fact that, in that moment of playing out their scene, it really was an artifice, Hyuk recognising that the moment had integrity was something that meant so very much to Hakyeon.

“And in that moment, I wanted to fall in love too, I wanted to love you back, you know, as my character, the person I was acting out in that moment-“

“And then when I kissed you, you took it out of me, away from me, and you gave me back more than I thought I would get and it was really… really a perfect moment, Hyoggie,” Hakyeon breathed.

“Why did you pretend that it was just another scene, Hyung? When I came to find you?” Hyuk felt like his breath was beginning to escape him, and that he needed to anticipate losing it with whatever answer Hakyeon was going to give him.

“I wasn’t about to overstep my bounds. Your bounds. I didn’t stay long enough to figure out what it meant to you. When I saw you come out I could see you were a little shaken, and I didn’t want to create any mistrust between us. We had to be able to look each other in the eye after that, to go on as usual with our work. So, I was ready to just leave it in the scene. Let it be a nice memory. It’s why I love acting. I get to feel the depths of all sorts of feelings that I wouldn’t in my real-“

Hakyeon’s eyes suddenly filled with tears, which he blinked away rapidly, obviously alarmed at his sudden well of emotion. He gasped, his emotions interrupting his voice as he seemed to choke on his words.

Hyuk spoke, wanting to give Hakyeon some time to collect himself.

“I think of it this way, Hyung. I know everything there is to know about you, how you are to live with, who you are as a leader. The things you do that get on peoples’ nerves, and the things I do that get on yours. Our scene was… hot. But nothing was revealed there between you and I that wasn’t also a part of the script anyway. All I saw was the integrity and honesty I always see from you. I already _knew_ you. All I had to do was trust you would look after me as always. The rest was… the play.”

Hakyeon gasped, his breaths coming rapidly as he tried to hold back soft sobs, blinking his eyes and pulling a hand away to wipe away tears.

Hyuk realised he had stumbled into stoking Hakyeon’s emotion rather than calming it, with what he had thought was something lighthearted. He had thought he was explaining away some unwanted feelings, when he had in fact been acknowledging something deep and personal to Hakyeon.

Hyuk felt there were intricacies in Hakyeon’s depth of feeling which pertained to loneliness and long-ignored melancholy. He knew Hakyeon was prone to bouts of isolation, even when physically with the whole group. Hyuk would often find him just staring into the middle distance, his eyes glassy and solemn as the others enjoyed their camaraderie around him. At first he had thought Hakyeon just couldn’t relate, that he was too old, or felt that their joking was beyond him. But he learned soon enough that Hakyeon did indeed have a sense of humour, and was more deadpan than he had ever expected. He also had deep reserves of gentleness and compassion, despite playing up his somewhat self-obsessed persona on camera.

But theirs was a strange life filled with excesses of exultation and anxiety, interspersed with great expanses of tedium, repetition and mild depressive episodes - and Hyuk would sometimes feel that Hakyeon let himself come close to a kind of hopelessness about things.

Perhaps that wasn’t quite correct, as he didn’t believe that Hakyeon allowed himself to feel despair.

Rather, that he looked across the abysmal expanse of human emotion and sadness, and with his heart and soul could still find it beautiful because it was human. And that he liked acting because it let him come closer and closer to touching the darkness in that abyss, in a way he wouldn’t in his everyday life.

As Hyuk comprehended this about him, Hakyeon now seemed inordinately beautiful and delicate to him, and himself rather a hulking beast who could never compare, no matter how much he tried to finesse his performances or even keep up.

“It doesn’t matter what it means to us after. As long as we want the same thing now,” he whispered, leaning his forehead against Hakyeon’s.

He closed his eyes, feeling that Hakyeon had become too emotional for them to continue.

He was surprised to find himself being kissed, a soft pressing of quivering lips to his. He tasted salt and moisture and felt Hakyeon stroke his hands down his arms as he gently pushed him away.

Hyuk stood back, letting Hakyeon have some space.

“Let’s get in the house first,” he said wetly, sniffing and smiling at Hyuk.

“Yeah. Could I clean up, Hyung? I smell of beef water and the workshop carpet,” Hyuk smiled back.

“More a pleasant combination than I ever expected,” Hakyeon murmured, his eyes dropping to look down at the floor as he held back his amused smile.

“I can lend you some clothes, don’t put these back on,” he added, pulling on Hyuk’s sleeve and letting go as he finally stood upright from the wall and turned to go into the house proper.

He took off his shoes in the front shoe well and left them neatly at the lip of the floor, stepping up into his apartment and turning on some lights.

He took off his coat and hung it on one of several coathooks he had installed directly on the wall.

Hyuk followed suit, his eyes wandering quickly over the apartment as he shed his coat too. While the kitchenette and refrigerator to his left was small, it opened directly onto the living room, which was a long, airy room with floor to ceiling glass sliding doors that opened onto a generous balcony enclosed by a cemented, vented, brick wall. The balcony was overhung by a brambly climbing rose, which seemed to grow from outside, probably climbing up from below. Long spindly branches hung over the balcony, with large, loose-petaled roses stippling the overhang. Its flowers were in full bloom, a dusky pale pink, with some already dropping their petals onto the balcony floor.

The place was clean, but had obviously been empty for weeks.

Hakyeon crossed the living space, a wide expanse of wood flooring, a plain-as-beige, lean and long sofa along its longest wall, and a tv on the opposite wall. In a corner were stacked square floor cushions for extra seating. He went into the adjoining room, which Hyuk realised was probably all that remained of the rest of the apartment, and turned on the lights. He gestured to Hyuk to use the bathroom ensuite, and turned to look through a single custom built-in cupboard in the room. Other than his bed, the room was sparse with little furniture, just a chair and bedside table. However along the wall that the room shared with the ensuite, there was a floor to ceiling shelf, a bookcase, built in as well, neatly housing books and stacks of magazines.

Hyuk could see the yellow spines of National Geographic, as well as several manga series and some oversized coffee table books as he turned the corner to go into the ensuite.

He shut the door and stripped, entering the shower stall which had been a modern upgrade - at the time it had been upgraded. It was clean, orderly and plain, but in the stall was a wooden ledge opposite the shower head, on which Hakyeon kept scrubbing salts and candles, and below it a japanese-style shower stool with a bucket and ladle.

He smiled that it was such a mix of utilitarian pragmatism and tiny touches which spoke of luxury but were really representative of a common bathing habit that had simply lost efficacy or been left behind by the city lifestyle.

The bathroom, the whole apartment and it’s aged but clean and pretty beauty seemed to speak of Hakyeon’s gentlemanly tastes and also spoke of his domesticity and need for a solitude that calmed and comforted him too.

Hyuk showered quickly, not wanting to linger too long away from Hakyeon, not wanting this break to change what it was that they were in the middle of. He picked up his clothes and turned them inside out before folding them into a tight stack, understanding from having lived with Hakyeon for so long, that whatever was on clothes transferred, and feeling that he wanted to observe Hakyeon’s personal habit while he was in his home.

Although Hakyeon wasn’t a stickler for orderliness in their dorm, he did not leave the boys to make their choices without first informing them of what their choices were, and meant. It was a form of manipulation, and one that Hakyeon readily acknowledged was his style. Knowing what the alternative to not tidying up or being clean meant - which was really choosing not to keep the common areas clean for others - everyone just kept things clean, or never did anything in the common areas that they would have to be accountable for.

Hyuk dried himself quickly, drying his hair roughly under his towel and then wrapping it tight around his waist. He came out to find light cotton jogger pants and a long sleeved tee shirt on the bed, both a pale cream and seeming both clinical and natural at the same time.

“They’re the biggest ones I could find,” he heard Hakyeon call from the living room, and he glanced outside to find him sitting on the end of the couch, using the armrest as his backrest, one leg bent up on the sofa and his elbow resting on it as he lay his head in his hand and stared out the window. His other leg was half under him, bent with his foot tucked under his butt.

Even in this loose formation, he looked poised and collected, although Hyuk rather felt that he was tired, and only sitting in this soft number four shape because he couldn’t hold himself upright without the support.

He dressed and brought his stuff out, carefully fitting it into his bag as Hakyeon looked up, his eyes tired and bleary. He got up from his perch and walked to the kitchenette, bringing a hot teapot to the small dining table and setting it on a small cane mat in the middle of it. He set a little cup for Hyuk and gestured for him to sit as he poured it for him. When Hyuk sat, he murmured that he would be just a moment and left to go into his room.

Hyuk let his tea cool as he stared out at the balcony, listening to Hakyeon moving through his room as he collected things and went to shower too.

He felt untethered, as if not seeing Hakyeon meant that he could slip away and disappear. The feeling was a little unnerving as he didn’t like feeling uncertain even in the confines of Hakyeon’s home, where he obviously could not disappear.

He could see that he was perceiving an emotional distance from Hakyeon, or perhaps anticipating it, and that was what unsettled him. He looked down at the teacup and out at the balcony again, suddenly feeling like he had been given a placatory gift - and in view of the ripe, stark beauty of the rambling rose outside, wondered if he was slowly, gently, being sent off, as he perceived.

He disliked the feeling. He disliked being in the dark - and in the dark because he was cognisant of so many possible outcomes that he couldn’t tell which way he was going. All he knew were his feelings, and his wants, and the doubts that seemed to negate any positive indication Hakyeon may have given him - like his kisses.

Hyuk bowed his head over his cup. Hakyeon had let him come home with him, sharing a very private space with him. It was clear where this was going. Why he had doubts, he realised was because he would catch Hakyeon in moments of introspection, which didn’t seem to include him. Hakyeon had brought him into a physical space, but Hyuk still felt that there was a more intimate space which he could not enter, that words or touch would not grant him entry into.

He suspected Hakyeon thought Hyuk didn’t know what he was getting himself into. Which was true. That perhaps Hyuk wanted to explore something that could well end up being a mistake. Which was true too. That Hyuk was too young, unknowing, that Hakyeon was too senior, and ultimately responsible. Hyuk supposed that that was true too, although he did not believe that it should matter.

He wondered what he could do to relieve Hakyeon of whatever was holding him back. He feared that perhaps, this was something Hakyeon might never let go of, that he might never quite let Hyuk in.

He looked up as Hakyeon walked to the doorway, freshly bathed, the ends of his hair shaped into tiny damp points from his shower.

He came to the chair opposite and gripped the back of it as he looked down at Hyuk.

“How is it?” he asked, none of the glaze of passion from before in his eyes.

Hyuk nodded. “Will you have some?” he asked.

Hakyeon pulled out his chair and sat before him.

Hyuk placed the other cup in front of Hakyeon with both hands, and took up the teapot to pour some tea for him carefully, one hand holding the pot handle, the other hand resting lightly in the top to hold the cover on.

He poured more for himself and set the pot down, waiting for Hakyeon to lift his cup before lifting his own too. At the last moment, he turned a little, a gesture of deference for his senior drinking with him.

Hakyeon smiled into his cup as he sipped, and after drinking, laughed quietly til Hyuk set his cup down too.

“I feel like we’re acting strange,” he murmured, crossing his arms and resting them on the table.

Hyuk smiled, because things were strange, and they had had acting on their minds all evening.

Then his smile faded away. He had to know.

“Hyung. Do you want me to leave?” he said, dreading asking it.

Hakyeon’s eyes flitted away to look at the pot, his lingering smile becoming fixed as he trained his eyes on the top of it. Hyuk could see him going very still, as if he didn’t trust himself to breathe without giving away the thoughts he was trying to formulate into words.

“You can just say it, I will do what you-“

Hakyeon seemed to jerk out of his thoughts when he heard Hyuk speak.

“I have never felt so uncertain about something so certain, Hyoggie.”

Hyuk caught his breath as Hakyeon looked up at him. It was that look, that same look he had given him in the street.

In that moment, he felt a little dying ember spark into flame in his chest as that look was a sign of confirmation that whatever he had been dreading, whatever signs he thought he saw, did not stack up against the reach that Hakyeon also felt for him.

“I don’t know what I am to you. What I should be to you. All I know is what I have been to you. What I was.”

Hyuk opened, then shut his mouth. He was unsure if Hakyeon needed him to spell it out for them, or if he was still trying to clarify his thoughts.

“We’ve been through this at the door,” Hyuk ventured, his laugh a titter of nerves.

“Well, it keeps coming up for a reason, Hyoggie. I am sure you feel uncertain too. If it wasn’t for our scene, if it hadn’t been for the kiss, we would not be here, would we?”

Hyuk had to admit Hakyeon spoke the truth on all counts. He was afraid that the ember that had come to life in his heart was about to be drowned in a cold water of truth.

“I feel responsible because I steered us towards that.”

“I let you. I came with you on that journey.”

“And we both carried through our intentions well. But we didn’t leave it all behind. It came with us out of the scene.”

Hyuk stared at Hakyeon. He could taste the ending already, and he didn’t like it. He felt a natural response rising, a need to shut down Hakyeon’s train of thought, or to distract it, to steer it his way.

He could feel a little panic rising, because he had no comeback. He had nothing to distract Hakyeon with, to stave off this flow towards the end.

“You asked me not to talk you out of it. But I need to talk this through. I cannot fall into this like you want me to. I don’t want any regrets, Hyoggie, not when it comes to you.”

Hyuk looked down at his hands, lightly gripping his cup on the table.

“I want to stay. We can just talk, nothing else. But I want to stay.”

Hakyeon blinked. Hyuk could see it was an option that he hadn’t considered - possibly because it was too open-ended for what Hakyeon obviously wanted, which was to save them both from some mistake.

“Aren’t you too tired to talk, Hyoggie?”

Hakyeon stared at him with wide, slightly amused eyes.

“Yeah, perhaps we should lie down-“

Hakyeon laughed, a loud guffaw as he threw his head back, his eyes closing gleefully with mirth, perhaps frustration, his even teeth pretty against his pretty smile and pretty lips. Hyuk watched his features, realising that if someone were to see him staring, they would say he was watching Hakyeon adoringly.

“I can help you into bed if your old bones need help, Hyung,” Hyuk murmured, prompting Hakyeon to lean right back, hanging his head back as he gasped. Hyuk let his eyes take in his open chest and splayed arms, his neck stretched and working with his breath.

It was so unlike Hakyeon, and so free a reaction, that Hyuk presumed it was because he felt completely relaxed with him, in his private space.

Hyuk liked that a lot.

He stood, and extended his hand to Hakyeon, who sobered as he looked from his hand to his face.

“Do you trust me, Hyung?” Hyuk asked.

“Of course I do,” Hakyeon said without hesitation.

Hyuk gestured his hand again, waited til Hakyeon took it, and stood.

He lead Hakyeon to the front entry, and turned off the lights there. Then he walked Hakyeon to the sliding doors and had him check they were locked. Then he walked him into the ensuite and prepared his toothbrush for him to brush his teeth. As Hakyeon took his toothbrush with a wry smile and started brushing, Hyuk left to tidy up the tea things into the sink, getting a mug with a lid on it and filling it with drinking water, which he then went to place on the side table by the bed .

Hakyeon came out and handed him a courtesy toothbrush kit which Hyuk recognised as he had pilfered from a hotel in a place they had toured the year before.

“You’ve kept this since then?” he asked with a laugh.

“Like I said, I don’t bring anyone here,” Hakyeon smiled. As Hyuk went to brush his teeth, he added, “And anyway, I’ve been back to the same hotel since then on holiday.”

“You haven’t been on holiday, Hyung!” Hyuk said as he brushed.

“Yes, I have.”

Hyuk stared at Hakyeon as he looked at him with a small smile on his face. He supposed he had never really thought that Hakyeon would keep something he did on his own a secret. The truth was, he had never really thought Hakyeon did anything but go home in his spare time. Then he realised that the real truth was, he never really thought of Hakyeon outside of their professional lives together. Had he had many trips alone that he didn’t share with the others? Had he had trips with others? With lovers?

He finished brushing his teeth, a little more sombre than when he started. He supposed Hakyeon would dearly need to assuage his personal doubts because he had given much more thought to their relationship in the past as well as now, than he himself had ever done.

As he wiped his hands, he looked into the mirror and met eyes with Hakyeon.

“Let’s go to bed,” he said, liking the change it elicited in Hakyeon’s face.

**

“Errr-“ Hakyeon could barely hesitate, he was being shuffled over to the bed.

Hyuk pulled back the light covers and let Hakyeon get in, then slipped in after him and they shuffled over till they were evenly spaced in the small double bed.

“Uh, this wasn’t quite the sleeping configuration I-“

“It’s okay, we’ll just talk,” Hyuk said, turning on his side to face Hakyeon, who was lying stiffly with the covers tucked under his armpits, tight across his chest.

Hakyeon looked over at Hyuk, who had tucked his hands under his cheek and was staring at him as he settled.

“What do you think is the worst that could happen?” Hyuk murmured, staring at him. Hakyeon knew Hyuk was asking about them, not about the worst that could happen in this sleeping configuration.

Hakyeon rolled his eyes.

“Everyone knows the answer to that.”

“Between us, I mean,” Hyuk’s voice seemed to be even quieter.

Hakyeon paused, staring up at the ceiling. He sighed. He felt like he had started this all. He felt like he could ruin things between them - that because they were already here, the history they had had before this evening was ruined anyway.

He thought that he could ruin Hyuk, if he wasn’t careful. He also understood how patronising thinking like that could be, as if Hyuk had no part in this, as if his push and pull during their scene and now, after and outside of it, had had no sway over him, nor the course of events. They had.

Hakyeon was well aware, that Hyuk had power over him too, could ruin him too.

However, he refused to believe that Hyuk had started this - and would probably never have asked for it if the evening hadn’t happened the way it had.

So he felt responsible, and he felt that the possibility that Hyuk was getting carried away on a notion that he never would have entertained before this, was high.

And this mattered so much more to Hakyeon than he felt Hyuk was aware of.

Hakyeon wasn’t looking for a tryst. He wasn’t looking for something purely physical. He hadn’t even been looking for attachment - and more importantly, not with someone he felt responsible for, whom he would be working and living with for at least another few years. Someone who was going to be a friend for life no matter where they ended up.

And he could not see how they could carry this through without it becoming bigger than their circumstances could handle.

He had to stop this - even if Hyuk didn’t wish for anything more than something physical, temporary, and even if he were ready to leave it at that himself. He had to admit it was something that he would have loved to know about what Hyuk wanted, but was reluctant to go prying in case his interest gave Hyuk the wrong idea.

“The worst that could happen is that this becomes something special and then we have to decide whether we keep ourselves secret for the rest of our lives or we let go of everything we hold dear. Everything we have worked hard for. Maybe let go of people we love too. Is that what you-“

Hakyeon glanced at Hyuk again, only to find he had fallen asleep.

He let himself take in Hyuk’s features, softened and relaxed. He had seemed so young when he had joined them, so lively and loud and a little scared - but nothing his natural ebullience didn’t help him overcome.

Now, he was huge and strong, still loud but talking less, standing more still. Hyuk had realised that he had something within that spoke of a calm acceptance of self. He seemed so very, inherently confident, even when faced with uncertain situations. Hakyeon had to admit, he had never seen Hyuk as impetuous.

If he had to, he could confidently say that Hyuk knew what he wanted, and rarely misjudged his own thoughts and feelings.

Hakyeon turned a little to face Hyuk, and reached out to push his hair out of his face. From beneath the young boy fringe, he saw the face of the man. The high, sharp cheek bones with his strong nose and chin, which were often eclipsed by his soft, sweet eyes and his brilliant smile.

There was a self-sufficiency which seemed to emanate from within. Hyuk didn’t need anyone, and in fact was often the solutions man, the emotions wrangler of the group.

Hakyeon knew that Hyuk was beginning to understand his own charisma, and that perhaps their next comeback would cement Hyuk’s magnetism and bring him to the fore. He was losing the boyishness that seemed to be his trademark in the group - and Hakyeon certainly could see the appeal of that.

“You’re still a baby,” he whispered, not sure if he was trying to convince himself, or convince his unconscious Hyuk.

He sighed, and turned over to face away from him, gazing out the high window at the citylit sky outside. He could barely see it for the proliferation of thorny rose bush overgrowth blocking part of the window.

He fell asleep thinking that he should trim the roses so that he could see the stars.

**

He awoke to the feeling of being pawed at, and turned to find Hyuk was leaning on his elbow, staring down at him in bleary-eyed concern.

“You okay, Hyung?”

“Hmmm? What is it?” Hakyeon mumbled, his eyes closing again as he turned slowly to face Hyuk.

“You were talking in your sleep,” Hyuk murmured, sounding relieved and flopping back onto his side, then onto his front, to go back to sleep. As Hakyeon turned, he ended up being close enough for Hyuk to fall forward onto him.

They found themselves holding each other, Hakyeon high up on the bed, and Hyuk lower.

Dimly, Hakyeon thought that Hyuk’s legs must be hanging off the edge, and so he tried to pull on him to come up higher, but Hyuk, already letting sleep take him, took it as a sign to hug him closer. Hakyeon found himself being pulled into Hyuk’s embrace, with Hyuk taking a moment to snuggle his face into his chest, sighing contentedly.

Hakyeon’s arms naturally went around Hyuk’s head and neck, and as they settled into their positions, he felt Hyuk kiss him high up on his sternum.

“What was I saying?” Hakyeon mumbled, thinking too late that Hyuk might have slept already.

After a moment, Hyuk stirred.

“ ‘Let Hyuk love you’,” Hyuk said, and Hakyeon could hear the smile in his voice.

“Oh, you must have a direct line with my higher self,” Hakyeon murmured.

Hyuk’s head snapped back as he squinted up at Hakyeon.

“Are you saying your higher self wants me too?” he asked.

“Not a logical conclusion, implying that communication with a third party predicates intent between the original parties.”

“You talk a lot for a sleep-talking man whose higher self has a direct line with another.”

Hakyeon was enjoying this, but it was beyond him now. He squeezed Hyuk in a futile attempt to make him stop breathing.

“Shut up.”

“That’s your animal brain talking.”

“No that’s my Leader brain talking. My animal brain-”

Hakyeon suddenly shut his mouth.

Between them, they felt his cock stirring. Hyuk sighed, his body softly undulating in response.

“Your animal brain wants me. Your higher self wants me-“

“That’s conjecture-“

“Your body wants me.”

Hakyeon couldn’t argue with that. Hyuk adjusted his embrace, leaning into Hakyeon more with his hips.

“So, in conclusion, your Leader brain is the only thing standing between us.”

Hakyeon’s cock twitched, and Hyuk had the audacity to look surprised for moment, then knowing.

“One of two things standing betw-“

“Please stop.”

“Since it is usually my job to cringe, I presume your current mortification is aimed at yourself.”

“How long must this go on?”

Hyuk’s smirk faded away as he shifted higher on the bed, to look down at Hakyeon.

“Let’s put an end to it right now. I can help you out of your predicament, Hyung.”

Hakyeon narrowed his eyes at Hyuk.

“It’s just friction. I don’t need you for that.”

Hyuk let his eyes soften into a puppy stare.

“Please let me. Maybe we can just… get this out of our systems.”

Hyuk put finger on Hakyeon’s chest as he bit his lip, and drew a little circle, whereupon Hakyeon curled his lip into a snarl. Was this his attempt to look cute?

“I have to say it’s difficult watching you do this.”

Hyuk’s eyes crinkled up into that familiar amused expression.

“So now you understand how I feel half the time we are on stage and you have the mic.”

Hakyeon pursed his lips.

“I’ve never drawn circles on your chest and begged you for a blowjob on stage, Hyoggie.”

“It’s revealing how specifically you draw comparisons, Hyung,” Hyuk murmured, his amusement fading as he bent his head to kiss him softly on the corner of his mouth.

“We don’t need each other to get this out of our- aaahh!” Hakyeon cried as Hyuk slipped a finger over his nipple and rubbed. He couldn’t help his body arching up against Hyuk’s, before he fell back again, his eyes almost rolling up into his head.

Hyuk watched him closely through heavy lidded eyes, his mouth pouty and wet.

Hakyeon’s hands came up to hold Hyuk’s arms, but he didn’t push him away. Hyuk’s voice was breathy, sighing.

“You still trust me don’t you, Hyung?”

“I’m not sure anymore-“ Hakyeon gasped, his body squirming as Hyuk’s thumb rolled his nipple again.

“You care for me, you love me, don’t you?” Hyuk bent to nose at Hakyeon’s jaw, placing small kisses along his skin there.

“How can you ask me that? You’re manipulating-“

“Is it working? Because we’re talking way too much, Hyung.” Hyuk came up to look at him, his eyes lust-hazed, his chin jutting as he glared at Hakyeon’s mouth.

“We haven’t talked enough,” Hakyeon gasped, desperately.

Hyuk was eyeing his mouth as he spoke, his eyebrows knitting into a belligerent frown.

“Can’t you just… go with it?” he asked, impatience tingeing his tone, finally looking up at Hakyeon with a sullen stare.

Hakyeon stared back, so very upset with Hyuk - and so very tempted.

“You’ve never spoken to me like that before, Hyuk-ah. Not like that.”

He saw Hyuk realise that he had gone too far, and his sulk turned contrite almost immediately.

He tried to shift, and get out from under Hyuk, who immediately hugged him tight, bowing his head to rest on Hakyeon’s chest again.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please. I’m sorry.”

Hakyeon stopped moving, sighing heavily. He was mollified - Hyuk rarely apologised like this, and as he had said, had never even acted like this towards him - but Hakyeon knew he himself wasn’t in the right either.

He realised that, except for getting into bed with him to sleep, Hyuk had given him all the space he wanted all night.

“I’m sorry too, Hyoggie. It was unfair of me. I started this-“

Hyuk’s eyes glinted with mischief as he jumped in.

“Yes, you kissed me first. You brought me home. Then you kissed me again,” Hyuk said, a petulant pout of his lips.

“I- I know how frustrating it must be for you.”

Hyuk pulled back to look at him, that sullen look back on his face, his eyes hooded. Hakyeon could feel his hands kneading on his flesh as he stared at him, felt his thumb circling the sensitive skin around his nipple, and he dimly thought that Hyuk was employing rather unfair means to distract him.

Hyuk licked his lips as his thumb came close to sliding over his nipple again. He shifted his hand, deftly snaking it under Hakyeon’s top, and gently placing his hand Hakyeon’s skin. His palm was warm, almost hot, and he let it slide firmly upwards as he looked into Hakyeon’s eyes.

“What I meant was, we could just… fuck. See where it takes us.”

Hyuk’s gaze was heated. He was serious, and it made Hakyeon’s heart skip a beat. Hakyeon huffed as he returned Hyuk’s look with wariness.

“It just seems… seems so…” he murmured, thinking that really, he disliked how crass and empty it sounded. So why was it turning him on?

He was distracted by how Hyuk was smoothing his warm fingers slowly over his skin. Hakyeon stared as Hyuk’s eyes dropped to where his thumb ran perilously close to his nipple under his shirt, and he gasped as he saw the pink of Hyuk’s tongue touch the tip of his teeth.

Would he lick him there? Elsewhere? Would he insist Hakyeon do the same too?

Like he had said earlier, something to get it out of their systems.

“Seems so irresponsible?” Hyuk murmured as he bent slowly to kiss Hakyeon again, close to the corner of his mouth, there where the muscle that pulled his lips back into a smile was.

“Do you feel bad for leading me on, Hyung?” he whispered, eyes looking up pointedly into Hakyeon’s for a moment, before he kissed again, this time right on the corner of his mouth.

Hakyeon couldn’t help his mouth opening in response to Hyuk’s kiss. He stared at Hyuk’s lips, waiting to see where they would go next.

“Yes,” he sighed.

“You took a risk, kissing me like that. I might have taken it badly, Hyung,” Hyuk said as he looked petulantly at Hakyeon -just before he licked his tongue into his mouth, sucking on his lower lip and pulling back as Hakyeon’s body bucked softly against his.

Hyuk’s eyes seemed to harden as he took Hakyeon’s nipple in a soft pinch and twisted ever so gently, watching with a lewd stare as Hakyeon moaned so hard his voice cracked, and then he was bucking softly against Hyuk, gasping with the pleasure, his eyes fluttering shut under a frustrated frown.

“Open your eyes, Hyung,” Hyuk said dispassionately, and Hakyeon shuddered as he flicked his fingernail softly across the tip of his nipple He opened his eyes to find Hyuk bending slowly towards his chest.

Hyuk tipped his head so that he could look up at Hakyeon, and licked the flat of his tongue over Hakyeon’s nipple.

Hakyeon keened, his whole body arching off the bed for a moment, before he relaxed and ground his pelvis hard against Hyuk, whining so hard he thought he was going to cry.

Hakyeon could feel Hyuk sinking into their embrace, and felt the pleasure of having his heavy body push him into the mattress. He bent his knee, opening himself up to him, and felt Hyuk’s hand run down his side to his ass, squeezing on his cheek, then pulling on him so that they fit together better.

Hakyeon bucked his pelvis hard into Hyuk’s, and couldn’t help groaning when he felt his cock, heavy and swollen in his pants.

Hyuk came up for air, his jaw loose as Hakyeon put his leg behind his thigh so that he could use it to pull him closer, tighter, against him. He stared at Hakyeon’s gasping mouth, as if fascinated by how aroused he was.

“You can’t help how much you want this,” he whispered, thrusting hard against him.

Hakyeon nodded, his eyes closing as he arched, exposing his neck to him, and feeling Hyuk’s tongue lick up under his jaw, before ending in a hard suck which made him whine and squirm.

Hyuk responded by holding him down firm, and Hakyeon was taken aback by the amount of force he used to stop him moving.

Hakyeon normally didn’t have to deal with being manhandled by Hyuk, but he did have the werwithal to stand his ground against him if he had to. Something about his dancerly training gave him a certain groundedness and awareness of his centre of gravity, which stood him in good stead when dealing with a usually respectful, albeit much larger junior like Hyuk.

Hyuk didn’t need to use this amount of force, but that was not the issue here. It was an erotic torture, an establishment of dominion. It was a question, a testing of boundaries.

Hakyeon let the fight go out of him as Hyuk continued to suck, then lick wetly, thickly, in that one spot under his jaw as he held him fast with his body, and let the effect of Hyuk’s ministrations manifest where he was free to express himself - his voice.

He moaned, a frustrated whine because Hyuk’s tongue was hot, concentrated in that one spot, where his sucking and licking were in turns delicious, erotic, painful. He wanted to buck, to fuck his hips, to expend that heated energy, but he couldn’t. He was trapped, but being trapped heightened his arousal. The only limb he could move was the leg that was loosely wrapped around Hyuk’s ass - and he could barely move it except to open it up wider. He was gasping, groaning, and heard himself sob with the frustration.

Hyuk’s cock seemed to tighten and harden in response, he could feel it pulsing between them.

Hyuk fussed with his hands, finally grabbing each of his wrists and pinning them above his head.

He suddenly rose up, leaning his weight into those hands, lifting his torso so that he slipped fully between Hakyeon’s legs and pushed against him deeply, staring down at him with that sullen intensity.

Hakyeon couldn’t help himself, he spread both his legs, bent up on the bed, and arched hard against Hyuk as he ground against him, letting sensation take over.

He moaned, his eyes fluttering shut as he felt a wave of pleasure suffuse his body. He felt like he could have eaten up the lust in Hyuk’s eyes, could almost feel it sliding down his throat as he tongued the air and swallowed down.

He heard Hyuk moan, a soft “Oh,” in reaction, then they were kissing again, tongues hot and thick and messy as they ground hard against each other, Hakyeon making sounds he was sure Hyuk had never heard him make.

Hyuk let go of Hakyeon’s hands to rest his weight on his elbows, allowing Hakyeon to take Hyuk’s face in his hands for a moment as he kissed him, trying to get closer, trying to pull him in.

Then Hyuk pulled away and shifted his weight off him, letting Hakyeon fall back into the sheets, writhing under him as he bent back onto his knees.

Hyuk took off his shirt, dropping it onto the bed, then leaned over Hakyeon to help him take his shirt off.

Hakyeon couldn’t help running his hands down the front of Hyuk’s body, fingers tripping over his nipples and down the soft ridges of his abdomen and into the elastic waist of his pants which sat on his hips.

Hyuk, straightened up as he drew off his shirt, forcing Hakyeon to let go of him as he did. He let the shirt drop onto the bed and went still, watching Hakyeon sombrely, and towering over him even on his knees.

Hakyeon couldn’t take his eyes off Hyuk’s cock, which was tenting his pants obscenely. He couldn’t help his body shifting and moving, remembering Hyuk touches and scrapes and licks, and he made a strangled noise of protest as he looked up at Hyuk.

Hyuk was eyeing him with what looked like disdain. He leaned down slowly, putting his weight on one hand on

the bed, his voice carrying a note of disappointment.

“Look at you. Were you just pretending to resist?” he whispered as he stared into Hakyeon’s eyes. Then he bent close as if to kiss him, prompting Hakyeon to arch and reach with his lips - but he just kept still, watching Hakyeon gasp with desperation when he realised that Hyuk had drawn his response out of him.

Then he spoke again, almost whispering into Hakyeon’s mouth, “You’re ready for me to have you. All you want is my cock, Hyung, all you want is me.”

Hakyeon whined, squeezing his eyes shut as he grimaced at the truth of it.

But there was something else too. Hyuk’s words were so unlike him, but so real, so truthful. Ordinarily, Hakyeon would have felt the sting of their truth, but he didn’t feel it - in fact, his arousal was heightened, amplified by them.

“You’re a fucking tease,” he heard Hyuk say harshly, and he turned his head, torn between knowing he never meant to be, but unable to refute it. He hated not having an answer, hated being exposed - but the very exposure freed him. It was the truth, and now he couldn’t hide it from Hyuk, because he had nothing to deny.

Hyuk spoke rapidly, sounding angry, sounding disappointed, as he used his free hand to pull hard on Hakyeon’s pants.

“Who are you saving it for? Someone better?”

Hakyeon’s head snapped back to look at Hyuk. Obviously there was no one else. Obviously Hyuk was throwing out words meant to incense him, or to spur a reaction - or to whip his desire into flame.

“No, no, no-“

“Just want to play with me? Make me wait for no fucking reason?”

“No-“

Hyuk tugged hard, slipping the waist of his pants over his exposed hip bone to round it out under his ass, then grabbing his generous flesh and kneading it roughly, his nails scratching as he pulled his hand out from under him, then pulling the elastic further, til Hakyeon’s cock sprang free.

Hakyeon gasped, staring wildly at Hyuk, whose face was partially hidden from staring down between them.

Hyuk grabbed his cock, grasping it firmly, and lifted his head to look back up at Hakyeon as he started pumping, slow and steady, still braced against the bed with his other hand.

“Uuuuh,” Hakyeon moaned, his eyes caught in Hyuk’s gaze, his mouth open as his breathing deepened, Hyuk’s grip on his cock so firm and warm. He spread his legs and shifted his hips, wanting to reach that perfect angle. But Hyuk’s grip was dry, and he was avoiding reaching the tip, where precome was already beginning to seep.

Hakyeon couldn’t keep the thoughts and the emotions that were holding him back in line. The pleasure that Hyuk was drawing from his body through his touch, his words, his breath - coupled with his need to let go of whatever he was holding on to, to sublimate into the ether, to evaporate in a staggering climax - intensified his climbing arousal til he found himself softly fucking into Hyuk’s fist, whimpering as he clutched at Hyuk’s body.

Hyuk stared impassively at him as he stroked in time to Hakyeon’s thrusts. He leaned down close, and spoke evenly, his voice hard and cold, into his ear.

“Your cock is wet for me. Your body is dancing for me,” Hyuk tugged on his cock hard, reaching the tip finally and running his palm directly over and around it, making Hakyeon cry out loud as his back arched sharply in response to the sudden wet, hot sensation at his most sensitive part.

Hyuk’s voice turned husky, and Hakyeon heard him beginning to lose control of his breath as he whispered hoarsely, “Ask me to suck your cock. Ask me to fuck your mouth. Beg me to make you come.”

“Make me come, Hyoggie, please, make me - oh Hyoggie, I’m sorry. I’m sorry!“ Hakyeon sobbed against Hyuk’s cheek, his thrust growing erratic. He _was_ sorry, sorry he had held Hyuk at arm’s length, sorry that he had withheld his utter lust and attraction for him from him.

Suddenly Hyuk’s hand was gone, and in a daze, Hakyeon felt his pants get pulled down and off. He felt Hyuk’s hands running down his thighs, pushing them open and holding them down against the bed, and then his hot, wet mouth enveloping his cock right down to the base, one hand moving to cup his balls firmly and the other gripping his thigh painfully, before he felt the tight squeeze of suction around his shaft that made him see white.

And in that squeeze of suction, Hyoggie’s tongue undulating, pulsing under the base of his head, right where he was most sensitive, and down along the underside of his cock, it’s rough texture igniting sensation in his engorged shaft.

“Uuuuhh, UNNNGHH, Hyoggie- FUCK!” he heard himself wail, his voice broken and sobbing as he climaxed hard, his whole torso contracting sharply as his cock pulsed violently against the tight sheath of Hyuk’s mouth.

He heard Hyuk moan in satisfaction, releasing the suction a little and allowing Hakyeon to thrust deep, both hands coming up to find and flick Hakyeon’s nipples hard and fast.

Fuck. _Fuck._

It felt like his cock couldn’t possibly throb one more time, but the sensation at the end of his orgasm was being drawn out and intensified by the overstimulation, and it was too much for Hakyeon.

He felt like he was being wrung of all his soul. The pleasure was so deep and hard that it hurt - he felt it in his throat, like a moan so deep it could choke him, and felt it in his hole, his core contracting so deep that his ring of muscles pulsed in time with each jet of come that his body squeezed out of him.

He burst into tears, _cried_ as he begged Hyuk to stop, squirming and trying to pull away, until finally Hyuk released him. He curled over onto his side, his body shaken by his sobs, his sounds like a child crying away a heartache, and let the waves of pleasure and too much pleasure subside as he gasped wetly into his pillow.

“Hyungie… Hakyeonnie…” he heard Hyuk’s concern as he drew himself back up onto his knees, but Hakyeon had turned his face away, was crying softly. Like his orgasm, his crying needed to flow through him, to see its natural end. Now and then it wracked his body, his sobs deep but cathartic - and he knew this would be alarming for Hyuk.

He reached for him with his hand, his fingers finding Hyuk’s and pulling on him. He couldn’t speak, but he wanted him to know he was not crying because Hyuk had hurt him, he was just… crying.

Hyuk lay behind him, curling over with him and letting his hand go to bring up the covers over them both.

Hakyeon felt his breaths at his neck, as Hyuk gently cradled him, his warm palm slipping down his arm and side til he reached down to stroke him firmly and repetitively where his ass met his thigh, full warm circles that calmed him, making him feel like the wild static of his coming down was being grounded in Hyuk’s touch. Hyuk’s breath was loudly regular, and he was gently cooing into Hakyeon’s ear, encouraging him to regulate his breathing by setting the pace.

Every now and then he would kiss his skin, nose the shell of his ear, whisper unheard things as Hakyeon’s gentling breaths would hitch randomly.

Hakyeon could feel Hyuk’s erection, still hard and nestling between his thighs, just under his balls, gently moving back and forth as his hand moved in his stroking action, and it felt like he was surrounded, comforted by Hyuk’s physical bulk, movements, and breath.

“Hyungie,” he heard Hyuk whisper, his voice soft and concerned, when Hakyeon shuddered again, gulping air as he tried to break the catch in his breath.

“I’m okay,” he sounded, not recognising his voice. He had never really cried this hard in front of any of the boys. He realised it was a stress reaction, an acknowledgement that along with his body letting go, was the figurative letting go of something he had been holding on too tightly to.

He felt Hyuk’s body against him, warm and softly moving, his voice and breath softly soothing, and he sniffled hard as he blinked away the last of his tears, feeling felt cared for in a way that words could not have made him feel.

He felt the last of his sobs die away, and turned slowly to face Hyuk, wiping the tears from his eyes and tucking himself into Hyuk’s body as he kissed him, their tongues gently lapping, their sounds soft and tired, until he could no longer hold his head up.

He broke their kiss, letting his nose slip into the crevice where Hyuk’s shoulder and neck met the pillow, inhaled and tasted his skin as Hyuk’s other hand came up to fondle his hair at the nape of his neck… and drifted into sleep.

**

Hyuk had also slept, even though his cock was still painfully hard and unspent.

He had been ready to kneel over Hakyeon and make a display of jerking himself off before suggesting that Hakyeon let him fuck his mouth, in a suitably cool and intense manner - but had been astounded by Hakyeon’s post-climax tears.

He could feel his arrogant, cold demeanour slipping away like a mantle off his shoulders - and realised that he had slipped into playacting without really thinking of it.

Voicing his observations about Hakyeon’s obvious wanton lust had let him stumble across a little leverage that he found he had over Hakyeon - emotional manipulation and guilt tripping. That they seemed to trigger erotic responses was an added bonus.

He never did this. In fact, he rather thought Hakyeon did it a lot - he was just very subtle and often blatantly revealed he was employing those tricks as he engineered the responses he wanted from people, to their faces. The action he wanted.

Hyuk… he knew his words and intent were no more subtle than a sledgehammer - especially to a seasoned player like Hakyeon.

So when he realised he could elicit such lusty responses from Hakyeon, he put his finger where he sensed a a sore point, and pressed.

The words he said were all truths. The intensity may have been dialled up to suit the occasion. But the intent… was all about getting that response from Hakyeon.

It was effectively, another little scene whose purpose was to heighten emotions, elicit a strong erotic response - and he had succeeded.

Hakyeon bursting into tears was a by-product of the effect his words had on him, and Hyuk did feel that he might have gone too far. However HAkyeon’s searching hand and soft words had reassured him, and he soon realised that he had helped facilitate a form of catharsis.

Hyuk could barely smirk at himself as he thought these things, drifting into sleep. He was still readying for analysis and homework, and had been fascinated by how he saw things from an actorly point of view.

At what point did real human experiences turn into the theatrics of a dramatic scene?

He didn’t get into answering that because that was when he had fallen asleep.

And now, his slumber was being tugged at around the edges, as if it were a sheet that needed to be pulled away from his subconscious.

He stirred, sensing that there was a pressure upon him, something dense but weightless, enshrouded by its own soft gentle skin, both light and heated at the same time.

He felt his body being stroked, feather-light, by soft tendrils of touch, all centring down the meridiens of his length, towards the centre of his body, there where his belly and his cock and his feeling all responded together when they were being stimulated, manipulated, warmed.

Hyuk’s eyes fluttered open. He was about to orgasm.

Hakyeon was between his legs, wetly fellating his cock, one hand gently sliding over his balls and perineum as the other made a ring around his shaft that followed closely on his lips as they travelled up and down the length of it, making sweet, syrupy noises as he bobbed his head.

Hyuk moaned, somewhere between a “Hyung” and a “Hunnnngh.”

He smelled lube, and realised that Hakyeon had him well and truly warmed up and wet, his shaft a glistening, slurpy mess as Hakyeon suddenly let go his hand and plunged it deep into his mouth, to the back of his throat.

Hyuk bucked softly into his mouth, one hand grabbing a fistful of his hair as he came, a soft exhalation dying under a gentle moan as he felt spurts of come fill the space in Hakyeon’s mouth, mixing with lube and spit and slipping out along his cock as Hakyeon let his mouth soften, his lips pretty and dirty and sucking and wet.

Hyuk felt himself drain out onto his tongue, and he let go of Hakyeon’s hair to cup his face, staring down at him with fucked out bliss, his eyes grateful, beseeching.

Hakyeon stared up at him, his mouth still softly working as he swallowed intermittently, drawing out the last of his come, sucking sweetly as they watched each other, til Hyuk could no longer hold his head up and let it fall back into the pillows. Hakyeon brought his hand up to hold Hyuk’s tight against his cheek, and closed his eyes as he licked ever so slowly, kissing and sucking gently, until finally he let Hyuk’s cock slip from his mouth, and rested his head against the top of his thigh. He lay there against the length of Hyuk’s leg, his other hand softly stroking up and down the thigh of the other one.

“My sweet, sweet Hyoggie,” he murmured, and Hyuk would have looked at him if he weren’t so blissed out, semi-comatose in his half-sleep, and well sated, empty.

“Are you okay, Hyung?” he whispered, not wanting to stir too much, but concerned that he hadn’t spoken to Hakyeon since the night before.

Hakyeon didn’t answer, but he was sure he had heard him.

“You know that I wasn’t trying to-“

“I know, Hyoggie.”

“You cried so hard,” Hyuk murmured, feeling himself coming out of his soft stupor.

“Hyoggie,” Hakyeon said, his voice gentle, but firm.

“Hmm?” Hyuk responded.

“I’m okay. You didn’t hurt me. You… you brought it out of me, and it wasn’t bad, it was good. It was so, so very good, baby,” Hakyeon murmured, turning to put a kiss on Hyuk’s pelvic bone.

“I didn’t mean any-“

“Hyoggie!” Hakyeon sounded more strident, and Hyuk’s eyes blinked open. He raised his head just as Hakyeon sat up.

He looked Hyuk squarely in the eyes as he said, “Just… leave it in the scene.”

Hyuk understood in an instant, just as Hakyeon came up and lay along the length of Hyuk’s body, his back against him.

Hyuk pulled him in close, letting Hakyeon’s rest his head in the crook of his shoulder, as they both stared out the high window at the sky.

The sun was up now, and they could hear the city coming to life outside.

“Where do we go from here, Hyoggie?” Hakyeon asked, his hand stroking softly over Hyuk’s arm, which was thrown over the front of his body.

He felt Hyuk lean forward to place a warm kiss on the skin of his shoulder.

“We can just see where it takes us, Hyung. We don’t need to know.”

Hakyeon nodded, his hand tracing absent-minded circles over Hyuk’s skin.

“Can I ask you something?” Hyuk asked.

“Yes, baby,” Hakyeon answered, realising in that moment how easily the words slipped out of his mouth. What if he did that in front of someone else?

“Was it easy for you to bring me here?”

Hakyeon thought about it for a moment, then nodded.

“Did you know you were going to let me stay?”

Hakyeon thought about it again, then nodded.

Hyuk’s arm tightened around his waist.

When he spoke again, his voice with thick, whispery.

“Were you always going to let me touch you? Sleep with you? Make you come?”

Hakyeon shook his head. He had wanted to touch, to feel - but he was still uncertain about how far they were going to go when he brought Hyuk home.

“But you let me.”

Hakyeon nodded, and felt Hyuk’s hands hols him tight.

“So can we just… see where it takes us?”

He heard trepidation in Hyuk’s voice, and for the first time since they had come home, he sounded young, insecure.

Hakyeon realised that whilst he could not control the hows, he could certainly control the whys - and his whys were that he trusted Hyuk, and that he wanted to have this intimacy with him.

So, he nodded.

He felt Huyk’s tiny gasp of happiness as he pulled him tight from behind and placed a warm kiss on the back of his neck, a kiss that became a suck, and a gasp that turned into a soft moan.

Hakyeon turned to kiss Hyuk, so that they could see where this would take them.


End file.
